Kiss My Knits!

So recapping where we left off, Torkal’s still surrounded by bees and plague and other badness. Bentein and Val should be arriving anytime. Torkal, Palin, Veracity, Aleanghi, and Joquil are hasted. Oh, did I mention Joquil? He’s an Elven ranger who was in the hold. Val found him and sent him upstairs, and now he’s helping us. There are higher level pirates in the hall, like the pilot and captain, and other assorted pirate crew scattered around.

Val and Bentein are down in the hold trying to free the prisoners and maybe rally them to our cause. The jury’s out as to whether it’s a good idea to ask a bunch of random peasants to take on the pirates on our behalf.

As for me personally, I have a raging cold and am hopped up on cough medicine. Also, Torkal keeps screaming DICKCHICKENS. I don’t know why. Just imagine that every time he attacks someone he shouts it. It’ll save me from typing it out.

There’s a kobold pirate cook flat on his back in the middle of the room, having slipped on a grease patch. There’s also an owlbear in the hall. Yeah, we can take these guys. Piece o’ cake.

Veracity: Thank god for the owlbear.  Now please let it attack an actual pirate.  Instead of us.
GM Vaschon: The owlbear turns toward the room and rushes toward Palin. Palin is gnawed for 12 damage.

Thanks, Veracity. Torkal runs out into the hall and attacks the pilot, doing him some nice damage. As Val says, “I hope someone knows how to steer the ship.”

Aleanghi’s up!
Aleanghi: Okay, I’ll hit Mr Prone with burning hands.
Palin: Doesn’t Veracity usually hit prone men with her burning hands?
Veracity: Hey, whatever works.
GM Vaschon: The Captain chooses an action
Palin: I hope he chooses polka dancing.
GM Vaschon: The captain rubs his anchor charm which dissolves into water.  The water forms on the ground revealing a summoned creature
Palin: Wait, wait, wait… is that a giant water monster thing?
Aleanghi: It seems to be, yes.

Well, that’s just perfect. Because we didn’t have enough random creatures flailing around in here, now we’ve got Slippery When Wet adding its two cents worth as well.

Val: Val arrives next round, right?
Palin: And won’t he be surprised to see all the crap that’s been conjured.
GM Vaschon: Yup, are you preparing anything when you arrive?
Val: uh, I guess Val will ready his crossbow? I don’t have any spells 🙁
Aleanghi: Gel of holding +3
GM Vaschon: Veracity
Veracity: okay, can I use the water in the water elemental as an interior source to summon a monster than might actually be useful to us?
GM Vaschon: No, lol
Veracity: Damn!  I thought I was being brilliant too!
GM Vaschon: Yes, nice idea
Palin: I want that octopus on our side.
Veracity: I still don’t see why it can’t stick it’s tentacles in the portholes and drag our enemies screaming to a watery grave 🙁

I agree! But if the GM doesn’t, it’s a nonstarter, so we move along. Veracity elects to shoot at our enemies. The prone pirate is an easy target, and then…
Veracity: okay, two at him and two at the kobold lookout just for the hell of it.
Torkal: WHY DIDN’T YOU HIT THE SEVERELY INJURED PILOT?
Torkal: IS IT BECAUSE YOU HATE PROGRESSIVES, GLEN BECK?
Veracity: I forgot about the severely injured pilot!
Torkal: Your face forgot.

Dissension in the ranks! Well, I suppose facing almost certain death is stressful that way. Veracity kills the prone kobold but misses the other one.
GM Vaschon: second bolt misses, the kobold raspberries you.
Veracity: Veracity shakes her fist at the kobold before ducking down behind the table again.
Palin: I’m picturing Klyx for the kobold.
GM Vaschon: That’s racist.  Not all kobolds look alike
Palin: No.  But they are all thieving conniving backstabbing sons of bitches.
GM Vaschon: well, yes

Palin critically wounds the pilot on her turn, but he maintains his concentration on whatever nasty spell he’s preparing for us. That guy’s a real trouper.

Meanwhile, a crewman attacks Palin.
GM Vaschon: Palin is beaten on her chest for 8 damage
Palin: The chest is the one part of me that hasn’t been ridiculously injured up until now.
GM Vaschon: The water elemental attacks…. He chooses Palin
GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die:  20
GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die:  4
Palin: OH COME ON!!
Aleanghi: Man
Val: geez
GM Vaschon: Palin is slammed by a wall of water and is now prone…
GM Vaschon: She takes 12 points of damage from the slam and gurgles
Palin: Palin flounders on the ground.  Geddit?  FLOUNDERS??

Hey, I said I had a cold. Unfortunately, bad puns are about to be the least of our problems.

GM Vaschon: The owlbear looks severely pissed and chooses a target. Veracity is clawed for 11 damage
Veracity: Veracity expires on the spot.  She’s frail. Okay, maybe not quite all dead.  but wailing!
GM Vaschon: The owlbear gives Veracity a bite… Veracity is gnawed on for 9 damage
Veracity: This time its serious!  She’s…..um…..down to 0 hit points.
GM Vaschon: Veracity falls unconscious and is bleeding.
Aleanghi: Yeah, I’d call it serious this time.
Palin: At least she’s not wailing.
Aleanghi: True. Melodramatic bards.
Veracity: See if she ever shoots anyone for your guys again! And now you have to depend on Val’s charisma and diplomacy.  BIG TROUBLE LOOMS.
GM Vaschon: The owlbear gives a look at Veracity.

All is not lost, though. Aleanghi has a potion of cure moderate turns that she pours down Veracity’s throat.

GM Vaschon: Veracity wakes up with a nasty headache and recovers 11 hp.
GM Vaschon: TOrkal!
Torkal: OH HEY
Torkal: I’m up.
Torkal: Somehow I didn’t get hurt through all that s***.
Veracity: Cause your owlbear ATE ME!
Palin: Yeah, I’d watch out for Veracity after this.

Torkal tries very hard to kill the pilot, but his rolls are truly awful. In fact, the captain beats the tar out of Torkal. And remember how the pilot was preparing a spell earlier? Well, he’s ready to cast it.

GM Vaschon: The pilot finishes summoning his spell and the corridor fogs up as the temperature drops.  A sleet storm rages
Veracity: Does it freeze the water elemental solid?
Palin: At least we’re unlikely to catch fire.
Val: so i take it ice doesn’t affect the water elemental?
GM Vaschon: No
Aleanghi: Rats
Palin: What we need is a giant sponge.
Aleanghi: Summon Spongebob, sadly, is lacking from this version.

And at this point, Val and Bentein arrive from the hold. Finally, the cavalry is here!

Val: Val will fire at the pilot. No fancy tricks, just plain crossbowmanship.
(Val rolls well.)
GM Vaschon: The bolt pierces the pilot and he falls over… dead.
Val: Val wanders up into the room. He runs a hand through his luxuriously coiffed hair, leans against some piece of furniture and asks, “Am I late?”

It’s Palin’s turn!
Palin: I’m killing me a kobold.
GM Vaschon: There’s a cook and a lookout, which are you going for?
Palin: The cook.
Palin: “Give me my money back, you thieving bastard!”
(Palin rolls badly)
GM Vaschon: Miss!
Palin: Well, at least I confused him.
GM Vaschon: Second attack
Palin: “Oh, sneaking up on me, eh?”
(Palin rolls badly again)
GM Vaschon: whiff whiff
Palin: dammit.

It’s Joquil the ranger’s turn!
GM Vaschon: Joquil the ranger fires at a crewman
Palin: I like Joquil.
Val: Thanks, I found him.
GM Vaschon: Joquil the ranger slips his aim and pelts Veracity for 6 damage!
Veracity: What!
Palin: Nice work, Val!
Val: No. Need. To. Thank.
Veracity: I USED to like Joquil!

It’s the bad guys’ turn.
GM Vaschon: The cook shakes his ladle at Palin. Palin roll a save vs. poison
Palin: Palin grabs her crotch and shakes it at the cook.
Torkal: MY EYES
Veracity: My eyes.  I was already hurting enough!
GM Vaschon: His poison ladle activates and poisons Palin!  She begins to choke before she can conclude her Michael Jackson crotch grab.
Palin: How bad is that guy’s cooking?
Veracity: I know I’m not trying the porridge.

The water elemental tries to slam into Val but misses.
Val: Gel of Holding. Get it.

The owlbear attacks Bentein. The sleet storm continues unabated. Then Torkal wounds the captain. It’s the wizard Aleanghi’s turn!

Aleanghi: Are any of the crew in the sleet?
GM Vaschon: Yes, 3 crew and 2 kobolds are in the sleet.
Aleanghi: Fireball., bursting centralized in their location in the sleet.
Torkal: OH GOD THE AWESOME
Palin: Oh.  My.  God.
Veracity: ooooh
GM Vaschon: 1 crewman, 1 kobold save and take half damage.  Roll damage on 2 crew and 1 kobold.
Veracity: Which kobold? (wants it to be the lookout biting it)
GM Vaschon: The lookout.
Veracity: yay (g)
GM Vaschon: 2 crewman and 1 kobold take 11 points of fire damage.  One crewman and 1 kobold take 6 points of damage.

Nice damage, Aleanghi! Unfortunately it just seems to piss the captain off more. He hastes himself, two kobolds, and the elemental.

Palin: It occurs to me that we may have bitten off more than we can chew this time.
Aleanghi: You think?
Veracity: It’s just occurring to you now?
Palin: When did we last save?  Maybe we should restore.

Veracity plays to her strengths and attempts to Fascinate the kobolds. And amazingly, in the midst of the owlbear and the elemental and the sleet and the fireball, it works! Three crewmembers are out of commission. As long as nobody shoots them, they’ll stay out of the action. Things are looking up! It’s my turn, and I want that kobold cook to go down!

Palin: Evil cook and his evil ladle of evil. I’m killing him softly with my sword.
(Palin rolls and misses by a mile)
Veracity: Too soft.  These guys only respond to brutal brutality.  Brutally.
Palin: Killing him slightly less softly with my sword.
(Palin rolls and misses again)
Val: oh come on
Veracity: Very slightly.
GM Vaschon: miss but with a little more umph!
Palin: Next time I’ll turn it up to 11.

Okay, things are looking less optimistic. And even less rosy when Joquil the ranger shoots one of our fascinated kobolds. Jerk. Fortunately the cannon fodd… um, I mean, prisoners are here. Val seems to have developed quite the attachment to them. Cue up your favorite tragic bagpipe music for the following exchange.

GM Vaschon: The first group of prisoners arrive as Bentein casts.  3 human males, 1 elven female and a dwarven male.
Val: I’m going to name them Blasword, Tasword, Sassword, Louis, and Sue.
GM Vaschon: Owlbear froths at the new arrivals and chooses a target!
Val: shi-
GM Vaschon: Owlbear targets a human male
Val: No! Tassword!
GM Vaschon: A human male is slashed to kibble and falls over.
Palin: Poor Tassword.
Val: NOOOOOOOoo
GM Vaschon: Owlbear chooses
Veracity: He died free.
Val: No!
GM Vaschon: Owlbear slashes a human male and he falls over unconscious.
[Val: Sassword! hold in there!
GM Vaschon: Water elemental attacks human male
Val: NO!! Not Sassword!
GM Vaschon: He’s slammed with force against the bulkhead and is dead.
Val: SASSWORD!!!!
GM Vaschon: Water elemental chooses elven female
Val: Sue!?
Veracity: At least the prisoners mean that there is less chance of us all dying instant and painful deaths.
GM Vaschon: Elven female is slammed and falls over dead.
Val: I call no-fairsies?
Torkal: Really, involving the prisoners mean that we will return and be like, “Sorry, almost all of them died.” NO REWARD 4 U

Val is pissed. I mean, really pissed. He wants that captain. He’s pulling out all the stops. Asking the GM how can he combine his sneak attacks with frost damage, crates, all his bonuses, everything. And he’s willing to make a great sacrifice.

Val: Okay then. And if i get a crit I can shear off one of his bodyparts?
GM Vaschon: How about you roll first
Val: It’s important. Can that happen? I have something up my sleeve
GM Vaschon: If you roll a natural 20, confirmed.
Val: would a Take 20 confirm itself?
GM Vaschon: Your card of many things? Yes, that is a confirmed natural 20

And so he uses his natural 20, his frost sickle, a sneak attack, and he rolls well.

GM Vaschon: The captain’s left arm is cleaved from it’s socket.  The captain looks critically injured.
Val: Val spits
Val: Finish him
Palin: I’m going to give the captain a hand.  with a sword in it.
Palin rolled 1 20-sided die:  3
Val: oh for
GM Vaschon: second attack
Val: can’t YOU just take 20 as well?
Palin rolled 1 20-sided die:  20
Palin: There.
Aleanghi: Oh Captain, my Captain, our fateful trip is done…the bark has weathered every storm, the prize we sought is won…
GM Vaschon: Palin slashes through the Captain, he pauses momentarily giving Palin that ‘You dirty Dwarf’ look before collapsing to the deck, dead.
Val: Val runs his fingers through his hair.
Aleanghi: But oh, heart heart heart, oh the bleeding drops of red, where on the deck my captain lies, fallen cold and dead…
Palin: And good riddance.

Val: Val boisterously says to his enemies, “What are you going to do without your captain now? He’s dead at my feet and I have more men a’comin”

GM Vaschon: The elven ranger targets crewman 2. Crewman 2 is slain.
Palin: Hooray!  We’re slaying!
GM Vaschon: The next 5 prisoners arrive.  In addition to the 1 dwarf male remaining alive from the previous 5, 3 half-elf males, 1 half-elf female and a dwarf arrive.
Palin: Lemme guess.  Smasword, Gasword, and… uh… Philip Glassword.

At this point, we’re ready to start another round, but it’s 11:45 and some of us (okay, me) are bushed. We call it a night. You’ll have to check back next time to see what happens with a water elemental, two crewmen, two kobolds, the owlbear, and a lot of innocent civilians, all in the same room together. Hint: they won’t be picking sides for kickball.

Same pirate time, same pirate channel!