Kiss My Knits!

GM Vaschon: Alright! We begin in this rocky cavern with a monstrous (no pun intended) chest. You’ve leaped the mushrooms successfully and discovered there are no obvious exits other than back the way you came or roughly a 50′ drop.

We think the back wall may be magical, but we can’t figure out anything else about it, so we let it go because there’s a big honkin’ chest in the middle of the room.

GM Vaschon: The chest is intricately designed, there is a big latch on the front. It does not appear to be locked. The chest is 8′ by 8′ by 4′.

Val isn’t with us yet, but like kids at Christmas, we can’t wait. Naturally, we open it.

GM Vaschon: Your party peers into the chest and discovers 50 cards laying face down in the chest. The cards are laid out in 5 rows of 10. There does not appear to be any special design from just looking at it.

Aleanghi can tell they’re magical, but that’s all she can tell. Veracity cautiously tries to turn one over with an arrow, but it won’t budge.

Palin: Well. Dare I?
Aleanghi: You? I dunno. Palin? That chick has balls.
Palin: Palin attempts to turn over, with her hands, the card in the uppermost left corner of the chest.
GM Vaschon: Palin turns over card number one. A brilliant flash occurs and she is now holding something in her hands.
Palin: AWESOME.
Torkal: FRICKIN’ LASER BEAMS!
Bentein: ON THEIR HEADS
GM Vaschon: Palin is holding a +2 longsword of shock.
Veracity: There is a sudden stampede towards the chest.
Aleanghi: LOL
GM Vaschon: your longsword is lesser shock, so thats an additional 1d6 of damage
Palin: I strongly recommend everyone else turn one over. Maybe you’ll get a cool weapon. Or maybe you’ll get decapitated. But I like those odds!

Next up: Aleanghi!
Aleanghi: Okay then, Aleangi is going to select card 50.
Aleanghi: (Okay, so this is either like the darkbox – cool or hurting – or perhaps like Let’s Make a Deal – cool or idiotic. We’ll see.)
Palin: I’m not broke yet, it can’t be a darkbox.
(Again, hilarious if you play Dragonrealms.)
GM Vaschon: As Ale picks up the last card in the deck, she appears somewhat changed.
GM Vaschon: Ale passes Go, collects 200 and levels to 5.
Veracity: Wow. That’s – pretty awesome.
Palin: Can I trade?
GM Vaschon: lol

Bentein’s turn!
Veracity: Veracity nudges Bentein forward. Perhaps a little peremptorily.
Bentein: Well, he knows when he’s being told! He’ll just take a random grab.
Veracity: This is all so tidy so far!
Palin: WHY DID YOU JINX US?
GM Vaschon: As Bentein turns the 25th card, he appears somewhat changed….
Torkal: HE HAS HERPES NOW
Veracity: He has all his hair again?
Palin: He’s a werewolf.
Bentein: Well, he hardly notices he’s carrying all his gear, it seems.
Torkal: “No, Bentein. You are the demons.”
Veracity: AaaaaaaaRRRRRRRROOOOOOOooooooo
GM Vaschon: He has gained +1 to his permanent strength
GM Vaschon: I must say, so far you have all beat the odds, unfortunately.
Palin: Unfortunately??
Veracity: Oh crap
GM Vaschon: oh, did I say that?
GM Vaschon: I feel like Urkal when I said that.

Torkal picks!
Torkal: It’s a Deck of Many things dialed down. It’s possible for it to own us so hard.
Torkal: Torkal will choose card number 37.
Palin: Since I’m not familiar with a deck of many things, I’m calling it a deck of awesome things!
Torkal: Except you’re about to watch me get screwed.
Veracity: ::breathless anticipation::
Palin: This is better than Vegas.
GM Vaschon: Torkal, roll a 1d20
Torkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 3
Torkal: I’m betting permanent HP loss. But we’ll see.
Palin: Loss of 1d20 organs.
GM Vaschon: As Torkal turns the 37th card, a large bull dog lopes into existence.
Torkal: Wait, Torkal now has a familiar?
GM Vaschon: You have a new companion, yes.
Veracity: “It’s drooling. It wants to play with you, Torkal.”
Torkal: Is it mortal or magical?
Bentein: “It sorta looks like you.”
Palin: You know, when I got my sword, I thought it rocked. Now I’m not feeling so great about it.
GM Vaschon: It is mortal, has 28 hp and does 1d6 bite attack.
Veracity: That’s – pretty neat, all in all.
Torkal: Shit, son. That’s pretty amazing. Does it level up?
Torkal: I want to have Torkal and his pimpdog roll oldschool.
Veracity: Veracity’s familiar raven sits on her shoulder and glares at the dog.
Aleanghi: His dog has more HP than *I* do.
Torkal: The dog is not only intelligence 40, a godlike genius, it is the sexiest thing you have ever seen. It is even attractive to Bentein, who was born without a penis.
Palin: That seems unlikely. The intelligence, I mean.
Torkal: Good call.
Palin: DWARF TAG TEAM!
Torkal: SHAZAAM!
Veracity: ((Just start singing “Roll me over, Rover”))
Aleanghi: I wouldn’t really seriously diss the group’s healer.

Val isn’t with us at the moment, but we know he’d want to pick. Torkal picks on his behalf. What results is the worst case of “I just got here, what happened?” ever.

Torkal: Val will choose card 23.
Palin: Why 23?
Torkal: DO NOT QUESTION THE HAIR
GM Vaschon: As Val turns the 23rd card, he appears somewhat changed.
Val: what?!
Val: i just got back here what just happened?
Aleanghi: ROFLMAO
Palin: Oh no.
Torkal: AHAHAAHAHAHA
Torkal: A+ TIMING SON
Veracity: ahahahaha
Val: wtf?
GM Vaschon: Val can choose one of his rogue or ranger professions to now become monk
Val: excuse me?
Torkal: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LAWL TO THE MAX
Palin: Okay, let’s catch Val up. I can’t sto laughing.
Palin: Okay, we opened the chest and it had a bunch of cards face down in it. And we all turned over one card and got something awesome. So we thought you’d want one too, so Torkal just turned up your card.
Palin: And that’s where you come in.
GM Vaschon: Torkal rolled for you, since you just got back, I’ll allow you to choose if you prefer.
GM Vaschon: But it could be worse, could be better, you never know. You could also choose not to turn one
Val: does this mean i get a monk level or i have to switch profs?
GM Vaschon: If you choose to accept the turn Torkal did for you, one of your professions will be changed to a monk
Palin: Most. Inappropriate profession. Ever.

Val, who is the quintessential rogue, understandably doesn’t want to be forced to switch to monk, so he opts to pick again for himself.

Val: i guess i’ll pick 24
GM Vaschon: As Val turns the number 24 card, he gets an intense look of concentration.
Val: ooo
GM Vaschon: Val can choose to utilize a natural 20 one time on an attack or a skill
Palin: Beats being forced to be a monk.
Val: thats probably something incredibly useful i’ll never use because i’ll be sitting on it waiting for an ever more perfect opportunity. But it’s nice to know i have it nonetheless.
Palin: It’s a security d20.
GM Vaschon: yeah, well, consider that this is something you could have pulled so stop yer whining.



Veracity picks!
Veracity: Veracity reaches out one finger and rests it on the back of the thirty-third card for a moment, hesitating, then with a quick movement, flips the card face up.
GM Vaschon: As Veracity turns the 33rd card, a contemplative look crosses her face.
Veracity: Woo hoo!
GM Vaschon: Veracity gains 2x xp until next level
Veracity: Okay, it isn’t as sexy as a big black dog, but I like it!

Palin: I wonder what would happen if I tried to turn over another one…
Veracity: Go for it.
Bentein: DEATH
Val: Do it
Palin: You guys are like the devil and angel on my shoulder. Except you’re all the devil.
Veracity: grin

I’m stopping here because I’m out of time, but believe me when I say the mysterious chest of mystery isn’t done with us yet. Tune in again!