Kiss My Knits!

This week, Veracity got a familiar. She considered a weasel or a toad (Bentein: ALL BOW TO THE HYPNO TOAD), but went with a raven. Which craps on me. Of course.

With that settled, after much confusion about dead ends and moving hallways, we go down a previously unexplored corridor. We come to a large stone door…

GM Vaschon: Val looks at the door. The door waits expectantly.
Bentein: It eats us, in revenge for its brother the gazebo.
GM Vaschon: wrong story
Your party budges the stone door revealing a large wooded cavern. A lonely figure stares back at you hefting a rather large tree.
Torkal: THIS SEEMS LEGIT
Val: Andre was friendly
GM Vaschon: Not during his heel days.
GM Vaschon: The hill giant grunts some words in a language evidently no one understands and waits a response.
Bentein: “Uhh… anybody speak hill giant?”
Torkal: “As a matter of fact…” Torkal DOES know Giant. So tell me what he said!

We’re saved! Torkal talks to the giant, who responds. The rest of us have no idea what they’re saying. All seems to be going well, until…

Torkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
GM Vaschon: awesome. roll again.
Aleanghi: Uhoh.

Whatever Torkal’s saying, the giant ain’t buying it. Things go downhill.

GM Vaschon: The giant picks up his tree and looks annoyed.
Torkal: “He’s asking if we’re the emissaries. I tried to be the emissaries. I don’t think he bought it, as you can see.”

We all start backing toward the door. Val makes it all the way out into the hallway and Veracity isn’t far behind him. The giant starts advancing on us, hefting his tree.
GM Vaschon: The giant continues to approach. What does your party do?
Torkal: “He called me a PUSSY! ATTAAAAAAAAACK!”
Palin: Palin roars and hefts her club!
Veracity: Veracity laughs.
Torkal: Torkal unleashes the f****** fury!
Palin: “DWARVEN BRETHREN!”
Val: Does val hear any of this?
Bentein: How can we miss it!
Veracity: Veracity sighs resignedly and calls back to her party members in the hall, “The dwarves have gone crazy and attacked the giant.”
Val: Val volunteers, “Why?”
Veracity: Veracity slides back into the room and casts Grease at the giant in the hopes of unbalancing him somewhat. She calls back to the others, “I think the giant called Torkal a pussy. Or else Torkal has just gone insane.”
GM Vaschon: The giant swings at Torkal and smashes him with the tree…
Torkal: Oh score.
Aleanghi: Eep.

And then it is on! Val tries to creep around the back of it for a sneak attack. We get in our usual tiny papercut hits. Of course, that doesn’t mean much to a giant. It throws a boulder at Palin, literally bowling her over.

Val: Val quietly takes out his 50ft rope, surveys two trees behind the giant, measures out an appropriate length and quietly ties a tripping wire.
Torkal: Oh, yes. A single rope is going to trip a giant. I love Val.
Val: Like Torkal is anyone’s emissary

We’re all hitting, we’re just doing the minimum possible damage on a huge target. Veracity casts Grease and knocks the giant off his feet while Palin finally gets back up. However, even with this, we’re not doing that great. As Torkal notes, “Our damage rolls have yet to exceed above a 3 on any numbered die.” On the other hand, looking at the giant does seem like a bit of turnabout.

Palin: Covered in grease, lying on the floor, burning, rope involved… Who does this sound like?
Torkal: Sounds like my ideal evening.

Val: Val steps back several feet and blows his signal whistle.
GM Vaschon: Val blows on his whistle, alerting any other inhabitants of his position.
Torkal: Good job, Val.
Palin: Awesome.

Palin has latched onto the fact that the giant, which is has now risen to its feet again, is carrying a parchment pouch. She wants whatever’s inside, because it may have a clue as to what the hell is going on down here in the tunnels of mystery. Aleanghi casts burning hands and burns the giant further. Unfortunately, she also ignites his loincloth and parchment bag. We can try to extinguish it on our turns, but it’ll be a grapple roll. Basically, we’re going to have to pat him out if we want him to stop burning.

Torkal: F*** a duck. He’s gonna have to stop himself from burning if he’s not an idiot. Torkal does a normal attack.
GM Vaschon: The giant parries!
Palin!
Val: git the bag!
GM Vaschon: or the loin cloth and win a date
Palin: Palin is already regretting this.
Veracity: Veracity says inquiringly, “So what’s in the bag? And is it open?”
Palin: I can’t get the bag – what am I gonna do, cut the strings with my flaming club?
Veracity: Veracity peers, trying to see, while trying not to see the burning loincloth.
Palin: Palin throws herself at the giant and attempts to extinguish the bag.
GM Vaschon: roll a grapple attempt
Val: wow this giant is so distracted
Palin rolled 1 20-sided die: 2
Bentein: Oh, this is going to be so good.
Aleanghi: Apparently, whatever Palin sees under that burning loincloth…
Torkal: PENIS
Veracity: Blazing!
GM Vaschon: I can’t even find a youtube event funny enough for this.
Veracity: I have a vivid mental image and it is indescribable.
Torkal: Veracity: Palin is impaled by her eyesocket!
Palin: I think I found that weasel we were talking about!
GM Vaschon: Lets see.. Palin rushes the giant and attempts to grapple the giant. She jumps up and down attempting to reach his parchment bag but is unsuccessful.
Bentein: Someone pay to have Colby draw this.
Torkal: HAHAAHAHA
Veracity: Involving Palin stuck like a starfish to the flaming loincloth shielding the giant’s massive man bits.

At right: artist’s rendition of the scene. Actually, “artist” may be a bit of a stretch. It looks more like an angry baby holding a piece of broccoli with a doll stuck to its diaper, hence the helpful labeling.

In subsequent rounds, we magic the pouch open while continuing to flail at the hill giant. The giant, undeterred, throws a huge boulder at Veracity. With a natural 20, she maintains her balance like a ninja ballerina. Palin hangs onto the giant like a Chihuahua with its teeth sunk into a Great Dane.

Aleanghi: So am I the only female in the party who has not been getting it on at some point in the module?
Palin: The night is young.
Torkal: Ale: no. I have been getting it on with you this whole time.
GM Vaschon: Well, with a hat and glasses like that, who would want to?
Veracity: ahahaha
Aleanghi: Oh, let’s see here…how about…STFU Nick. They like my new spells. ;P
GM Vaschon: heh
Palin: We love her for her mind.
Torkal: And hot ass.
Aleanghi: Thereyago.

So, recapping, we’re attempting to trip the giant, burn it, knock it down, and there is a Dwarf hanging from its loincloth. Why is none of this working? How is this giant doing so well? Its parchment pouch is open and still on fire, and Palin’s going to get it, by God.

Val: keep reaching for the stars!
GM Vaschon: Palin reaches up in an attempt to snatch the pouch but it pushed back by the giant.
Palin: Fine, fine, I give up.
Val: oh, mage hand it!
Veracity: Veracity casts Mage Hand in an attempt to telekinetically lift the parchment from the now open pouch.
That was the plan, Val. That was the plan 😉
Val: You do this well and maybe we’ll give you Ale’s hat.
Torkal: OH GOD MAGIC GROPE HAND
Aleanghi: Wait, **you’ll** give her **my** hat?
Palin: Let’s focus on the enemy without, not turn on each other. Stick to the plan of going Charlie’s Angels on him later, ladies.
Veracity: Always a good contingency plan, that one.
GM Vaschon: Veracity points her finger at the contents of the pouch and it rises out. She draws the finger closer to herself as the parchments are in her possession. She’ll suffer a -4 penalty to defense next round.
Well played, btw.

Hey, words of praise from the GM! Way to go, Veracity!

Palin finally lets go of the giant, which promptly steps on her.
The rest of the party continues to think outside the box. Val hamstrings the giant (good thinking, Val!), causing it to topple over clutching its leg. It’s all up to Torkal now! Unfortunately, Torkal rolls a 1.

Torkal: I don’t know what I’m doing!
Palin: That should be your battle cry. You’re lucky he didn’t roll over on you.
GM Vaschon: I’m going to give that since he was prone.
however, you get normal damage
which at 5 hp…
GM Vaschon: Torkal sloppily kills the hill giant!
Val: Val puts out the giant’s flaming nuts with his boot.
Palin: Can we go back to the flooded passages? I need to bathe for about a week.

And what did we get for our trouble?

GM Vaschon: The giant’s booty consisted of…
Val: booty heh
GM Vaschon: 32 gold, 73 silver, 85 bronze. A potion of rage, a potion of water breathing, a potion of giant strength.
Veracity: ooooh Potion of rage. As if any of us needed THAT 😛

The parchments are written in giant, which Torkal happens to read. Lucky break!

GM Vaschon: Torkal relays the map is of the hill giant enclave. The parchment reveals an invitation to the Frost Giant Jarl. The scroll is a pass to the Fire giant caves. The world map indicates the location of each of the giant domains.

Well, we’re a bit low level to handle a trip to the giant domains. Since it’s about midnight, we decide to wrap it up.

Aleanghi: It was nifty.
Veracity: Hey, giants! FLAMING GIANTS! With velcro dwarves!
Aleanghi: And I got to use new spells!
Palin: I’m going to dream tonight about climbing thick tree trunks with oddly shaped pairs of pine cones on the branches.
Veracity: It doesn’t get any better than that.

And that was… three weeks ago! We adventure again tonight. I’ll try to get caught up in the coming weeks. There’s a lot more ground to cover, including Blood Diner 2: the Return of the Stirges!

Until next time!