And I thought things were going so well.
Em started acting classes yesterday at Children’s Theater at Imaginon. I’ve put a lot of options in front of her for classes and activities, and drama was the only thing she was excited about. She really wants to be on stage or screen, and after the karaoke triumph of ’07 I am not going to tell her that she can’t. As I said to my husband a few weeks ago, I need to stop thinking about what she can’t do, because every time I think she can’t do something, she does it. Logically, I should assume that she can, and work from there.
She told me before going in to class that she was kind of scared, which isn’t surprising considering how many people were there. She handled herself well, although she was glancing back at me as they were led to class. I hung out in the waiting area for the entire hour, just in case something happened. Many classes let out at once, so it was too chaotic to get a chance to talk to the teacher. Em said she had an “okay” time, which means she had an okay time. She’s very honest. She does want to go back.
So this morning I got a call from a woman at Children’s Theater. The teacher had spoken with her, concerned that Em wasn’t very engaged. She also sometimes shouted that she didn’t want to participate, and that “Kayla doesn’t want me here.” He asked Kayla, who is another student, and she seemed baffled. She said she hadn’t said anything to Em. The woman on the phone asked if perhaps this wasn’t a good fit for Emily. It sounded like she was getting at “because she’s miserable and we think she shouldn’t be here.”
At this point, I said, “Well, you know she’s autistic, right?” The woman was stunned into silence. No. No, they did not. They had no idea. The woman was very apologetic.
I distinctly remember putting “mild autism” on the form under the “stuff we should know about your kid” section. I didn’t go into detail, because it hasn’t been an issue at any of her other summer camps. Sure, sometimes she doesn’t participate, but so what? I wrestled with myself – do I bring this up with the sign-in staff on the big day? I decided not to. They seemed like a very well-oiled machine, so I decided to have some trust in their staff, and to relax and not to run the point into the ground before she even started. At the birthday party a couple of weeks ago, they accepted her as just a kid. How would that experience have been different if I had gone around and told everybody that she was autistic? She’s first and foremost a kid, and surely, surely Children’s Theater has experience dealing with autistic kids. The woman on the phone assured me that they do, but I guess that didn’t help since they didn’t realize they were dealing with an autistic kid.
They’re passing this info along to the teacher. I asked, and he has no experience with autistic kids. I told them that we can give this another try, but if he’s not comfortable with the situation, or if Em isn’t comfortable with the situation, or if the other kids are getting short shrift, then we’ll need to either find another teacher or get an assistant in there. His bio on the Children’s Theater site was long on theater experience and short on teaching, so I’m not that confident of how this is going to turn out. I’m also going to speak with the staff again and find out whose job it is to pass along the forms and information, and why this information never made it to the people who mattered.
Some people whom I respect have told me I need to relax and let up, but I don’t think they have an understanding of everything involved. This kind of proves why I can’t do that. I cannot assume that other people are going to do their jobs correctly, or look beyond the surface to understand what’s going on with my funny, beautiful, different child.
It’s so frustrating. I feel like I can’t let up for a damn second.
You know, though, that this is the case with every kid with an involved parent. Just remember (as you always do) that it isn’t because there’s something wrong with her, but simply because you want the best for her, with people who will understand her needs and abilities. It’s their fault if they can’t follow kids who happen to not be plain old boring 😛
Don’t let the bastards get you down!
P.S. Have you seen that there’s a guy with reasonably noticeable Asperger’s on Amazing Race this season? I’m kind of surprised that he signed himself up for such a completely NOT routine thing, but the first ep was really promising: as this other team of jerkwad female poker players was running around being awful to everyone, he saw a Vietnamese guy with no coat and gave him his own because “he needs it more than I do.” What a great counterpoint.
I don’t think you need to “relax and let up” in the sense of all of this. Maybe in the context of trying not to let it be too stressful, but somehow I don’t get the impression that’s what they meant.
I’m not a parent, so I can’t completely relate. But I do know even in my own case, being legally blind, that my parents both fought a constant battle with schools and camps and dance classes, etc. about making sure people who needed to know I was blind and needed X, Y, or Z were informed. And still things weren’t always smooth.
I know it’s incredibly frustrating — hell I live with it on a personal basis all the time (and you’ve seen my Facebook statuses about the shit at work with my guide dog). It’s totally unfair and it sucks, but doing that kind of stuff, believe me when Em’s older she’s so going to appreciate all of it. I definitely am so thankful my parents were like you and worked their ass off because not only did it get me the things I needed, it was a platform to show me what I’d end up having to do later in life to advocate for myself.
*hugs*
I have noticed that most people rarely look at all the paperwork for people. Case in point, I’m an apartment manager and when someone turns in an application for an apartment, I read over EVERYTHING but my neighboring manager of another apartment building only looks at name, social security number and does a credit report. Nothing else. And she’s suffered because of it.
I think talking to the teacher of Emily’s drama class is a good idea and have her meet him after your talk so he can associate you and your concerns with HER. Otherwise, with so many kids he sees, she may be lost in the crowd.
Go Emily! I hope you’re ready for your close up!
I’m sure this is an isolated incident and that you can let up. Em has a lot going for her. I remember some of the stuff you’ve posted a year ago and she’s made some huge strides.
I understand your frustration though. You shouldn’t have to make people do their jobs.
Emily’s teacher
I think you owe the teacher a chance after you do a little educating. I started knowing nothing and wound up the “go to” teacher at Smith for mainstreaming special kids. Part of it was because I wanted to be better at it, but most of it was because the special ed teachers took the time to teach me and stay in touch with me. I learned what there kids could do and I was as tough on them as anybody. I didn’t allow them to slack off in the areas where they could do, and I didn’t make the other areas significant.
Maybe this guy would like to be a good teacher, too. Take him a cup of coffee and explain to him what Emily CAN do and that you are only expecting him to work within that. Tell him you’ll be outside if there is a question he needs to ask. Tell him how excited she is about drama.
If that doesn’t work, then he is a schmuck and you need to remove her and write the board. But removing her is not your first choice.
Jane
Re: Emily’s teacher
Oh, don’t get me wrong. If the teacher didn’t know she was autistic, then it’s not his fault. He actually did the right thing by not just continuing to roll with it, but by bringing his concern to the attention of staff so they could let me know. It would have been nice if he had contacted me himself, but this was fine.
It’s possible that he got the form and didn’t read it over, but I think it more likely that this rather crucial information didn’t get passed on to him by the staff who processed the forms. I don’t know where this breakdown happened, but it needs to not happen again.
I do want the opportunity to talk with this guy. It’s not clear when she’s saying, “I don’t want to do that!” but she really is a little ham, and I’d like him to see that side of her too.
H! have you seen this video? http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/23/earlyshow/main1339324.shtml Really nice video about this boy with autism. CBS early show did the story.