Kiss My Knits!

Aleanghi isn’t with us this week, but will rejoin us next adventure. The rest of us discuss levelling and decide to head back to town, with a brief stop to pick up a couple of bits of vampirespawn loot which we apparently had not picked up last time.

Val: We’re going back to grab the ring of resistance and the water potion because no one claimed any of that
Palin: Ah. I wouldn’t know. I was busy decomposing.
Val: I guess Val wil just pick it up
Palin: Yeah, I have a ring of my own, THANKS.
Val: Val gives Palin the ring of resistance
Palin: Palin blinks at Val.
Palin: ‘For me?
Val: Yeah
Val: You deserve it. You got us out of that mad scientist’s clutches.

Is that nice or what? It just goes to show that beneath that vain, sexist, impulsive exterior there lies a teeny tiny heart of gold.

We head back toward the lift, which isn’t there. Instead, we just see… a wall.

Veracity: Well, this is a conundrum.
GM Vaschon: Your party travels 40′ S to a wall and are greeted by 2 familiar looking figures
Palin: Oh, for crap’s sake.
Val: Val says, “I’m not talking to you!”

GM Vaschon: The sphinxes call out, “Solve the riddle on level 4, to see our figures never more. Until then, answer me true, for you to continue.”
GM Vaschon: A sphinx inquires if you are ready to proceed.
Val: Val once again asks, “Do we have a choice?”
Veracity: “I…guess not?”
Palin: How are we going to get down to level 4 if we can’t get to the lift? Now that’s a riddle.
Val: Val says, “we are ready to proceed!”
GM Vaschon: The sphinx recites, “I am the beginning of eternity and the end of time and space. The beginning of every end and the end of every place. What am I?”
Veracity: “The letter E.”
Veracity: Veracity looks smug.
Val: Val pats Veracity on the back.
GM Vaschon: The sphinx scowls with a resigned look as the two disappear without incident. The wall dissolves revealing a lift.
Palin: Illiterate Palin says, “I don’t get it.”

We debate whether to go down to level 4 and hunt sphinxes, but decide to go back to town first and get more supplies. We need to replace all the bolts we’ve shot at each other. And there’s still the matter of the kidnapped baron’s daughter we were looking into. Unbelievably, we get all the way from level three back to town without incident. This sounds like good luck, but since I was actually hoping for just one more encounter to push me up to the next level, it’s a little disappointing. Still, it’s not like we won’t encounter more violence at some point in the future.

As we arrive, night has fallen. We hear a pair of guards talking about the recent bugbear attacks.

GM Vaschon: The guards talk about the hit and run tactics causing merchants to lose money and inventory and how no one has been able to find their camps.

Since it’s night and we can’t check in at town hall, we go back to the inn, where a brawl is in progress.

GM Vaschon: Your party notices a group of drunken folks causing a ruckus.
Veracity: Veracity mutters, “Snakes. Why’d it haveta be snakes?”
Val: Val tries to determine if they are the lizardmen from Session 1
Palin: I doubt they’re locals.
Val: This episode will, curiously be called, The Lizardmen from Session 1

It’s catchy! I’m stealing it!

Since I never actually mentioned the Lizardmen from Session 1 when writing up session 1, I should probably do so now. Back when we all met up for the first time and were setting off on our mission, there were other groups of adventurers who were also going to set off in search of adventure and reward. One of those was a group of lizardmen. We had a choice of several adventures. We chose the mine, and the lizardmen decided to try to stop the bandits in the nearby town of Garroten. It paid better than the mines. Looking back through the notes, the only description we got of them was that one of them was “dressed in robes.” They were also nice enough to give some information to our cleric, so we also know that they’re not the type of people who shoot first and ask questions later.

GM Vaschon: The barkeep is currently engaged in the brawl. While no weapons are drawn, broken glass and fists are flying.
Palin: Hm.
Palin: This is very important:
Palin: Is the beer unattended?
GM Vaschon: There are 3 kegs behind the bar.
Palin: Palin appears torn. Beer… violence… beer… violence…
GM Vaschon: There are roughly 15 people engaged in the brawl. 4 people are taking cover at the tables
Torkal: Torkal pats his fists together and appears to be considering something stupid.
Palin: As usual.

Veracity ducks behind the bar and pours herself a drink, unnoticed by the barkeep. Props to Vaschon for recognizing the similarity between our current situation and the ridiculousness of the barfight in the Trouble with Tribbles.

Palin wants to question a patron, so she heads toward a table with Val following close behind using her as a shield. Palin makes it safely. Val takes a firm sock in the jaw from a random lout but eventually makes it.

GM Vaschon: The brawl rages on.
Palin: Is someone here at the table? Someone to whom we could speak? Not that Palin would use “whom.”
GM Vaschon: There is an elven female cowered behind the table.
Palin: Yep, that’s a job for Val.
Val: Val sidled up to the elven female of course.
Val: Val sidles up to the people cowering behind the table and rubs his chin, “Whats this about eh?”
GM Vaschon: The elven patron responds that those lizard folk came in bragging about a recent campaign, those other drunkards were mocking them and it… started.
Val: Val mutters to himself, “of course! the lizardmen!”
Veracity: Veracity finishes her drink and helps herself to another, raising her head carefully to peer over the bar at the brawl in progress.
GM Vaschon: The barkeep notices Veracity in his stash and makes his way over.
Veracity: Veracity bats her lashes at the advancing barkeep and inquires about beernuts to go with her beer.

Torkal: Torkal finally gets tired of the nonsense and yells, “STOP THE DAMN FIGHTING! I’D LIKE TO GET SOME CLEAN SLEEP, TONIGHT!”
Palin: Hmm… who to fight…
GM Vaschon: A few of the drunkards turn their attention toward Torkal..
Palin: And there’s the answer.

Cleric Bentein, now with two armed Dwarves flanking him, says, “Everyone – calm down! Someone is going to have to PAY for this mess!”
GM Vaschon: 2 of the lizard folk ignore Bentein, 1 of the drunkards advances toward Bentein with a bottle in hand.

Val is trying to get the Elven lass to leave with him, convincing her that he can get her to safety, but she saw him get socked in the jaw and isn’t that confident. So he tries to bluff her, as men in bars do, and rolls a 1.

Palin: Val’s charms are not workin’ on the ladies.
GM Vaschon: The Elven patron responds.
Veracity: Oh man, that’s harsh
Val: Val unperturbed thinks of something else.
Torkal: Val’s penis size is now measured in millimeters.
Val: we’re not on the metric system

GM Vaschon: OK, so at the moment, the barkeep is holding Veracity’s tunic. 1 drunkard is advancing toward Bentein, 3 drunkards are faced off with Palin and Torkal. Val is attempting to smooth talk the Elven patron who is having none of it
GM Vaschon: Veracity dislodges herself from the barkeep who is now advancing her with an angry look.
Palin: All we did was walk into a bar.
GM Vaschon: 2 dwarves walk into a bar…
Val: Val decides to cut his losses. From behind the table he yells, ” EVERYONE RUN! THE GUARDS ARE COMING!!!!!!”
GM Vaschon: 5 of the patrons look to make their exit, hoping to find protection from the guards. None of the lizard folk react. The drunkards are too drunk to care.
GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Palin: damn.
GM Vaschon: A lizard folk kills a drunkard.
Veracity: uh oh
Palin: Oh, that’s not going to go well for the lizard folk.

Palin: Palin is taking a swing at Drunkard 1. I’ll call him Sean.
Val: so we’re…fighting the drunkards and not the lizardmen?
Palin: Look. The lizardmen are adventurers like we are. They came in to take a load off, and the drunkards started something. Right now, my sympathies lie with the lizardmen!
Val: As long as we’re all on the same page. Otherwise we’re just brawlers like everyone else
GM Vaschon: Palin punches at a drunkard and hits him.
GM Vaschon: You get 2 attacks btw.
Palin: That’s because of my two mighty fists! SANDRA O’DAY AND MARY O’KILLARNEY!

Palin knocks the drunkard out.
Veracity: Hooray!
Palin: Palin spits on the prone drunkard and turns her attention to his friend.
Veracity: Veracity finishes her drink and throws the tankard across the room at the drunkard menacing Bentein.
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Bentein hefts his flail off his shoulder and looks menacing at the drunk, hoping to scare him off.
GM Vaschon: Bentein successfully wards off the drunkard who thinks twice before attacking him again. The drunkard stumbles out the door.
GM Vaschon: One of the lizard folk move towards Palin and Torkal.
GM Vaschon: The barkeep attempts to grapple Veracity again. He stumbles forward pawing at her clothing, muttering about stealing his booze.
Palin: Just another Saturday night for Veracity.
Veracity: Veracity extends one arm, holding off the drunken and fumbling barkeep and scanning the room interestedly. She considers trying to Fascinate the lizardman advancing on the dwarves.
Val: Val waits for a drunkard to get close to get close enough to the table before leaping out to sneak attack with his sap to knock him out.
Palin: I forgot Val had that.
Val: Val has some tricks still up his sleeve
Val rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Val: oh for the
GM Vaschon: Val attempts to brain a drunkard and stumbles to the ground, suffering a -4 penalty to defense.
GM Vaschon: A drunkard stomps on Val.
Palin: Val’s being beaten by that guy? Humiliating.
GM Vaschon: Val gets a boot to the face for 4 damage
Veracity: Not the hair!
Val: ugh

Veracity: Okay, let me get this straight. The barkeep is pawing at me, but otherwise no one has noticed me. There is a lizardman advancing on Palin and Torkal, and one drunkard still flailing away at them. Another drunkard is stepping on Val’s face, but Veracity wouldn’t pay that much attention. What else?
Val: your shoelaces are untied
GM Vaschon: Yes, you have a barkeep after you, a lizardman is moving toward Palin and Torkal. There’s 2 knocked out drunkards on the floor, 1 dead drunkard…
GM Vaschon: 1 drunkard ran out after being intimidated by Bentein, and 3 lizard men are brawling with 3 drunkards.
Palin: We shoulda just gone upstairs, jimmied a lock on a room, and gone to sleep.

Veracity: Hm. I think Veracity will try to Fascinate the barkeep just to get him to back off, and then maybe try it out on the drunk facing the dwarves if that is possible.
GM Vaschon: It is
Torkal: Torkal is going to charge that advancing lizardman when he can.
Val: don’t fight a war on two fronts! DONT DO WHAT HITLER DID!

Val’s history lesson goes unheeded. Veracity does manage to fascinate the drunk and the barkeep, and then Torkal starts punching the lizardman.

Palin: So we’re just going to punch everybody who comes our way?
Torkal: Shit yes we are.
GM Vaschon: Torkal punches the lizard folk in the snout. The other lizard folk notice the attack.
Palin: See? SEE??
Val: facepalm
Val: i told ya

Palin: So there is no drunk who is currently a threat. And the lizardman Torkal got… is unconscious?
Val: what about the one stepping on Val
GM Vaschon: There is a drunkard with a foot on Val’s face.
Palin: If I go over there, I’m totally going to get swarmed by lizardmen.
Veracity: So there is no drunk who is currently a threat…..
GM Vaschon: There are 3 drunkards fighting 3 lizardmen who now notice Torkal’s attack
Palin: Okay. I’ll assume the lizardmen are busy with the drunkards and go help Val.
GM Vaschon: Cyrano Jones the barkeep is smiling happily.

Val seems to think that he can handle himself just fine with a boot on his face, thank you, so change my plan. I find a drunkard/lizardman fight and pull the drunkard off the lizardman. And it works! Unbelievable! True to his word, Val does manage to stand up without getting his face stomped in again.

Veracity has had about enough of this.

Veracity: Bah. Veracity jumps up on the bar, catches the eye of the least enraged looking lizardman and shouts to him across the uproar, “Hey, you there! This is insane – can you call off your guys? We can talk?”
GM Vaschon: Veracity makes an impressive and perhaps convicing display, the lizardfolk engaged with a drunkard pauses, allowing the drunkard to get in another attack.
GM Vaschon: Who swings wildly and misses. The lizardman returns to the battle and knocks out the drunk.
Veracity: Veracity sits down cross-legged on the bar, and lo! finds the beernuts. She settles in to watch the show, abandoning all attempts at reason.

Torkal continues to embrace violence.

GM Vaschon: Who are you punching?
Torkal: Oh, my friend the guy I hit on the schnozz.
GM Vaschon: The lizardman you hit in the snout hasn’t had his turn to stand up.
Torkal: He’s conscious, though, right?
GM Vaschon: Yes
Palin: oh no.
Torkal: Torkal is engaging in beatloaf on him.
Veracity: Bully 🙁
Palin: You know, I’m kind of hoping that these lizardmen might look kindly on us after this, maybe share what they might know about the adventures around town.
Palin: But if you’re going to hit them while they’re down, that’s not gonna happen.
Val: yeah
Torkal: Torkal stops because his companions are pussies.
Torkal: And stands tall and morally right.
Palin: Works for me.
Torkal: Or maybe just have common sense. Torkal is a punching machine.
GM Vaschon: So what is Torkal doing
Torkal: He’s not punching. He’s just going to menace the guy that’s down.
Torkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Torkal: And look like a p**** himself!
Val: so many 1s
GM Vaschon: Torkal makes a face at the prone lizard man
Torkal: Accurate!
Veracity: Veracity pops another beer nut in her mouth and chews enthusiastically.

The barkeep comes to his senses and runs out the door, probably to call the guard. Veracity hopes not, since she was, you know, stealing from him. She puts a silver coin on the counter to cover expenses and also to cover her own ass.

I grab the drunk that I pulled off the lizardman and try to hustle him out the door. The lizardman watches. Veracity comes over to help. Val tries for a second time to kneecap the drunk who had stepped on his face, and for a second time, the drunk stays up. Finally Bentein comes over and beats the drunk over the head with a flail. It falls over unconscious.

The lizardman who Torkal had knocked down earlier gets back up and takes a swing at Torkal. Torkal hits back and has an incredible series of rolls. They are the best rolls of the night.

GM Vaschon: Torkal hauls off and knocks the lizardman out. He falls to the ground.
Veracity: oooh
Torkal: Torkal says, “Should have tried that first off.”
GM Vaschon: The lizardman with Palin sees this and attacks her.
GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die: 20
GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die: 3
Val: dangit
Veracity: …
Palin: But… but…
GM Vaschon: The lizardman punches Palin in the schnozz.

Palin continues to try to get the drunk to the door while telling the lizardman that she’s on his side. She succeeds in getting the drunk out the door. Veracity steps forward to help Palin.

Veracity: Veracity attempts to harmlessly entangle the lizardman beating on Palin in her handy fishing net.
GM Vaschon: Veracity tosses the net at the lizardman and misses. The lizardman now enraged that Veracity is a slaver draws his weapon.
Veracity: “Oh, for…..”

Torkal and Bentein start wailing on that lizardman, who now has his weapon out. They’re doing okay, when…
GM Vaschon: The captain of the guard enters, along with 10 of his militia
Veracity: “Oh man.”
GM Vaschon: The captain calls out, “Drop your weapons!”
GM Vaschon: You notice the barkeep behind the guards.
Val: Val makes as if he was always hiding behind the table.
Torkal: Torkal immediately yells, “HELP! THEY’VE GOT WEAPONS AND ARE COMING AFTER US!”

There are a lot more guards than there are us, and we don’t want to ruin our standing in town and with the baron, so we go along peacefully with the guards.

GM Vaschon: The guards take your party, the lizardmen and the drunkards to their keep. There they will see the magistrate next week.

And that’s what happened. In a nutshell, we went to town and immediately got in a giant barfight. On the up side, we didn’t set ourselves on fire or kill each other. On the down side, we were thrown in jail. Well, we’ve certainly done worse. Tune in next time!