Kiss My Knits!

When last we met our intrepid adventurers, they had encountered a large gate. Just past the gate was some sort of prison complex, complete with guards and cells. We retreated to the moat area to regroup and think. And I use the word “think” loosely.

This week, we go back to the gate.

GM Vaschon: You can’t really see prisoners, however you can see a number of cells on two levels and some shadowy guards patrolling. There doesn’t appear to be a way inside the gate from your position. You do manage to see a lever on the other side, however.

The lever is roughly 10 feet away. The bars in the gate are big enough for an arm to fit through, but not an entire torso.

Palin: Could, say, a bat fly through them? and the flip a lever? hypothetically?
GM Vaschon: A bat could fly though, however the lever is a large cast iron lever installed in the ground.
Aleanghi: Meaning, ain’t no way Flambe can do that. 😛
Palin: That bat needs to eat its wheaties.
Torkal: Big enough for an arm, though, (Vaschon)?
GM Vaschon: Yes, big enough for an arm to fit through
Palin: ten feet is not that far. I’ll bet we could throw something through. Undetected is another matter.
Torkal: Torkal says to Palin, “I’ll bet you a gold I can lasso that lever.”
Torkal: Torkal takes out his rope.
Palin: Palin says, “You’re on.”
Palin: Palin glances at the bat for reassurance. That’s how far she’s fallen.
Aleanghi: Flambe does an almost bat-like shrug to Palin.
Torkal: “Wonder if this is a good idea, though. If that opens this gate, we won’t exactly be without company.”
Val: why not have the bat try to fly the rope over the lasso? assuming the bat could carry the rope
Palin: I’d figure it’d be too heavy. Also, a bat carrying a rope is also rather suspicious.
Val: or adorable

Torkal: Torkal makes a noose in his rope. He’s going to shove himself up against the gate as closely as possible and stick his arm through, then try to lasso the lever. I assume because my idea is the absolute shit, this is an automatic success.
Torkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 11
GM Vaschon: The rope hits the ground, it is not noticed.
Palin: Palin whispers, “You owe me a gold.”
Veracity: lol
Torkal: Torkal says to Palin, “Want to bet you can throw this over the lever for a gold?”
Torkal: Torkal recovers his rope.
Palin: Palin stares at Torkal.
Palin: “Do you remember that time I accidentally tied myself to the miner and set myself on fire?”
Torkal: “You owe me a gold for being inept. We’re even.”
Palin: Palin narrows her eyes and takes the rope. Palin’s going to try it. And she’s going to smoke Torkal in the process.
Torkal: Torkal would love that.
Aleanghi: Roll big!!
Palin rolled 1 20-sided die: 10
GM Vaschon: Palin throws the rope, it hits the wall. The attempt was noticed.
Aleanghi: Oh crap.
Veracity: dun dun DUN
Palin: Well, nertz.
Palin: “Never let me touch rope again.”
Aleanghi: Flambe flaps.
Torkal: Torkal says, “At least I don’t owe you a gold. Let’s get out of here.”
Palin: “On the up side, I think they’re about to open the gate.”
Veracity: grin

One of the guards comes over. He spotted something happening, but not specifically us. We decide to retreat.

Torkal: And we’re taking the rope with us.
Torkal: Also our dignity.
Aleanghi: Good luck with that last part.
Torkal: Some wusses got fireballed. Just sayin’.
GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die: 20
Palin: that can’t be good.
GM Vaschon: You hear a large gate open from nearby.
Palin: Have I mentioned how handsome you are, (Vaschon)?
GM Vaschon: Buttering the GM will only get you an additional +1 on the destruction rolls
Palin: damn.
GM Vaschon: You are at an intersection. A gate has opened to the NW, and a passage leads east.
Torkal: Torkal glances at Palin.
Torkal: “Charge? Or let it go?”
Palin: “Fortune favors the bold. I say charge.”
Veracity: Palin the Optimist.
Aleanghi: Because, you know, that worked so well last time.
Veracity: I see that on her (commemorative) statue.
Val: Fortune favors the bold, sharp objects favor the dead.
Val: the patronage system is rather complex

Torkal charges back up the hall toward the gate. He surprises the two bugbear guards.

Val: when do we get through all the Bugbears and get to the Carebears?

For clarity’s sake when we’re calling our shots, Torkal decides to name the first guard Thomas. In fairly short order, he is split like the English muffin that bears his name.

Veracity: Toasted, buttered and consumed. Consumed in the buttery fires of HELL.
Palin: Well, this is going much better than I thought it would when we started trying to lasso the lever.

We take down the second bugbear before he manages to alert anyone to our presence. We search the guards for keys to the cells but find none. But while we’re at it, we go ahead and take their 30 bronze. What the heck, they won’t need it anymore. D&D has a long tradition of players looting everything that could possibly be of value.

We’re now just inside the gate. The east wall is lined with cells. There’s a platform above with more cells along its east wall. There’s a gong about 20 feet ahead. There are some shadowy figures on the top level, and also on the main level about 50 feet ahead of us.

We start moving forward, passing the first two cells. Each of them contains two Dwarves, slumped over and unmoving.

Torkal: “Dwarves. This cell has our brethren in it. But we don’t have the key. We need to find either that or our allies.”
Palin: “Psst! Bat! Is your mistress here? Can you show us?” If only I’d taken “bat” as a second language.
GM Vaschon: The bat gives Palin a look.
GM Vaschon: A brown bat flaps off to the south.
Palin: That is one freakadelic bat.
GM Vaschon: Its been burned, you would be too. Oh, wait…
Palin: HA!
Veracity: grin
Veracity: CHAR-ming
Torkal: Torkal kills Veracity..
Veracity: Too late!
Palin: “Either the bat is telling us its mistress is not here, or it is a filthy little coward. I give it 50-50 odds.”

We go as far as we can without tipping off the guards that we’re there, then retreat to the gate to discuss our options.

Torkal: “…if we cut down the two ahead, we might get lucky before their friends from above arrive.”
Palin: “Could we incite the dwarves in the first cell to make a ruckus and lure them over? Or would the top figures see us?”
Palin: Oh, come on, it’s not a bad idea.
Torkal: “I don’t know. It might be a bad idea.”
Torkal: I said that just to piss you off.
Palin: heh. I know.
Torkal: “We can try. The issue is — we don’t know how many will come running.”
Palin: I think the other party members are doing the D&D equivalent of sitting in the audience of a bad movie going “DON’T GO INTO THE BASEMENT, YOU IDIOT!!!”

We think (gasp!) a little, and realize we don’t know how to open the cells, how to get to the upper platform, if we’re in the right place, or what the heck is actually going on. Not that that has ever stopped us before. However, we decide not to charge the guards, but instead to sneak northward as far as we can and THEN attack them. We slip into hiding and start northward. This requires us to make rolls to see how well we stay hidden. Remember: 1 is the worst, 20 is the best.

GM Vaschon: You both slip into hiding, unsure if you were seen.
Torkal: Now we’re rocking out badass way down that passage toward the two DELICIOUS TARGETS.
Palin: I don’t think “sneak” is compatible with “rocking out badass way.”
GM Vaschon: roll a sneak
Torkal rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Torkal: I am the f****** best.
Aleanghi: Ohgodno
Veracity: LOL
GM Vaschon: Torkal attempts to sneak down the passage and notices this look from above
Palin: That’s what you get for rocking out the badass way.
Aleanghi: LOL
Veracity: ahahahahaha
GM Vaschon: You both are roughly 10′ in. A figure begins to rush north on the top platform.
Palin: crap. Way to go, Torkal.
Torkal: Charge? It’s the only option left!
GM Vaschon: Leeroy Jenkins
Torkal: LEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOY!
Torkal: MMMMMMMMM-JENNNNNNNNNNNNNKINS

To the astonishment of the DM, Palin decides to continue sneaking forward.
Palin rolled 1 20-sided die: 20
Torkal: !!!
Torkal: AHAHAHAHA
Palin: Now, see, why couldn’t you roll one of those?
Torkal: Your face, madam.
Palin: Was that so hard?
Torkal: YOUR FACE

The gong sounds, summoning more guards. We decide to name the next bugbear Chuck Barris. Torkal realizes he has a necklace that gives some kind of bonus to jumping, but it turns out it’s not going to help him rocket up to the second level. He reaches to see what else he can do.

Torkal: I was going to rub my necklace and jump upstairs and slap some jackasses.
Palin: You should rub your idol.
Torkal: Coming right up!
Palin: ack!
Veracity: Actually, rubbing the idol would be great…..if the respondent was less grumpy than the last one.
Palin: Yes, I agree. There’s a chance it would kick the bugbears’ asses, but also a chance it would round on Torkal like last time.
Veracity: hee hee
Torkal: Okay. Torkal is charging on the present floor. No jumping. No idol rubbing.
Torkal: DISTRACTION GO
Palin: Palin continues to sneak forward.
GM Vaschon: Torkal begins his suicide run north. 3 bug bear archers take position on the top platform. On the floor, 2 bugbear guardsmen begin running toward Torkal. On the top level, A bugbear slavemaster looks down and commands the archers to fire.
Palin: If I wind up as the only one left alive in this adventure, I will promptly fall upon my own flaming club.
Aleanghi: Flambe hangs back, out of sight as much as possible, and probably wondering what the hell he does if these two get killed.

Torkal tries to flatten against a wall so that archers can’t get a line of sight on him. Against all reason, I continue to try to sneak.

GM Vaschon: Palin attempts to sneak forward and is discovered.
Torkal: I’d hit that.
Palin: Weirdo.

We manage to brain a couple of bugbears (me with my flaming club) while the archers pelt us with arrows.

Palin: Say, any reaction from the dwarves in the cells? I’d like to think we’re inspirational.
GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
GM Vaschon: Palin is too focused on combat to notice
Palin rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Palin: not that focused, apparently.
GM Vaschon: Palin swings her club and *clang* it hits the cell. A spark of fire flies off and lands on a dwarf.
Palin: ACK!!!
Val: heh. i’m really impressed they haven’t died yet

Meanwhile, Torkal is poisoned by a bugbear. Just understand that for the rest of this writeup, until the very end, Torkal is slowly having his health sapped away and occasionally throwing very colorful curses toward the GM. We finally kill the remaining guard who is at melee with us. This leaves the archers, slave driver, etc.

Torkal: Okay. We need to run like HELL now to get out of the archers’ line of sight. Or we are fuct.
GM Vaschon: A dwarf brushes the ember off his beard as he notices you.
Palin: “Friend! Where are the keys to your cells?”
GM Vaschon: The dwarf responds the slave master has them.
Palin: “Have you seen a wizard, a cleric, or other non-Dwarves in here recently?”
GM Vaschon: Archers take their position at the east platform. Torkal and Palin notice more guards on the lower level round the corner.
Torkal: “We don’t have time for this, Palin!”
GM Vaschon: The dwarf responds no. He also says all hope is lost and to get out while you still can.
Veracity: Cheery fellow, that dwarf!
Palin: “Stay strong, brothers and sisters!” Palin falls in line behind Torkal.
Torkal: If the archers are in position, that means our only way to avoid the pincushion effect is to run the hell away. Back the way we came.

So we prepare to retreat while still valiantly figuring out if there’s any way that maybe we could attack. Because that’s how we roll.

Palin: If we get out of here, I don’t know how we’ll get back in. Unless it loops around to the north part of the platform with the moat.
Torkal: We need to kill everything. Everything.
Palin: Look, they all know we’re here, right? I mean, EVERYBODY is alerted, right?
Torkal: Running away south is the easiest way to get out of their range, and the guards would still follow us. That seems to be the best idea.
Palin: “ALEANGHI! BENTEIN! AND THE REST! ARE YOU HERE??”
GM Vaschon: You don’t hear any response.
Torkal: Torkal runs away to the south.

Sorry about “and the rest,” guys. I panicked and forgot half your names. Anyway, we decide that I can try to pick off the archers with my longbow while Torkal wades into the fray.

Torkal: “I’ll take the guards. You fancy any sniping?”
Palin: “I can try. At least it’ll keep them focused on me.”
Palin: Palin readies her bow.
Torkal: Torkal readies his AAAAAAAAAAXE!
GM Vaschon: 4 guards and a bugbear wizard approach from the lower level. They are 70′ away. 3 archers move down the south platform to get in position.
Torkal: Oh Christ.
Veracity: Niiiiiice odds.
Palin: wizard.
Val: i’m glad we’re dead
Veracity: lol

GM Vaschon: A brown bat flaps east.
Palin: Traitor.
Torkal: It’s roughly 8 on 2, here. We’ve got no choice but to run through the gate.
Torkal: Torkal glances at Palin, then runs out the gate.
GM Vaschon: A brown bat squeaks.
Palin: Palin quickly follows.
GM Vaschon: Your party rounds the corner to the SE and sees a passage East.
Val: i think the bat is trying to tell you something
Palin: That bat is smarter than both of us.
GM Vaschon: Are you continuing east or standing around watching the bat flap east.
Torkal: East it is!
Palin: Palin runs east.
Veracity: Notice I am nobly restraining the impulse to make any response to Palin’s last bat observation.

We run back across the bridge over the moat. Remember, this room is like a big square, with a bridge leading westward toward the gate we came from, and three retracted bridges which would lead south, north, and east. There’s also an underwater passage in the northeast part of the room.

GM Vaschon: The bat flaps over the water to the northeast.
Palin: Right over the underwater passage?
GM Vaschon: In that general area, yes.
Palin: crap.

Thus endeth part one! Part two is shorter, and I hope to have time to post it later today, before tonight’s session.