Pregnant women and those with heart conditions, LOOK AWAY!
Now, you may ask yourself, “what the heck is that?” I know I certainly did when I saw the forearm-length fruit in a little basket at the supermarket. I looked at it, walked by, then backed up and touched its surface. I started to walk away, but then, its sinister power drew me back! Entranced, I put it into my grocery cart and brought it home.
Then I read up on it. I quote, “Eating the immature fruit which has not matured and still has the kernels firmly attached, exposes the throat to the oxalic acid and is dangerous.”
Yes, you heard that right. This aptly named “monstera” can REND THE VERY FLESH FROM YOUR INNARDS! I began to suspect that this hadn’t been placed in the grocery store by the managers, but rather had been deposited there by cosmic beings of evil intent. Apparently, the scales have to fall away, like a snake shedding its skin, before it is safe to eat. Or so the alien overlords would have you believe! Just look at this artist’s conception of what the actual monstera life cycle looks like.
Nonetheless, I can’t let them know I’m on to them, and I don’t want acid in my throat, so there is nothing for it but to let it go through its freakish life cycle.
One day after purchase. Texture: bumpy but slightly giving, like an alligator just before it bites off your hand. It’s starting to swell up at the base. Clearly, something wants out. Also, it’s dropping little black specks, or as I call them, “Seeds of Evil” on my counter. I place it into a paper bag at about noon.
Jumping Jehosephat! This is that same evening. Texture: leprosy-like! Hidden away in the dark, the creature apparently feels more free to expose itself. A preference for the shadows? Definitely, evil! Plus, just look at a closeup!
Texture: scabrous and moistly flaky. Odor: enticing, like bananas and pineapple, but more evil. Think “Paris Hilton slathered in cocoa butter.”
Three days after purchase – this is today. As you can see, it’s shimmying out of its covering like a drunken prom queen. I believe the little scales are part of its monstrous design. Perhaps they’re designed to transmit back to the mother ship. More likely, they’re going to grow into little footsoldiers to do the monstera’s evil bidding.
If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, then you will know that the creature arose from its craft paper crypt and carried out the wishes of its evil masters. I’ll sleep with a fork under my pillow, just in case.
Hats up next for: MD, TX, TN.
That is so freaking bizarre….I *love* the artist’s rendering though!
That is so freaking bizarre….I *love* the artist’s rendering though!
Holy Cow! Please tell me you are going to continue to log this horrific transformation in all its photographic glory. Wow .. I can’t imagine eating that thing. ::laughing::
Holy Cow! Please tell me you are going to continue to log this horrific transformation in all its photographic glory. Wow .. I can’t imagine eating that thing. ::laughing::
I… I just want to know who ate that thing first. I mean, who would look at that and think it was at all edible!? Eeewwww.
I… I just want to know who ate that thing first. I mean, who would look at that and think it was at all edible!? Eeewwww.
What on Terra is it DOING? That looks like some bizarre popcorn experiment sans heat.
What on Terra is it DOING? That looks like some bizarre popcorn experiment sans heat.
Oh btw if it does taste like jackfruit, I am so getting it next, leprositic fruit or no. I miss jackfruit. Which grocery store was this?
Oh btw if it does taste like jackfruit, I am so getting it next, leprositic fruit or no. I miss jackfruit. Which grocery store was this?
Oh my god how can anyone even think about eating something that looks like that? I don’t care how hungry you are!!
Oh my god how can anyone even think about eating something that looks like that? I don’t care how hungry you are!!
That is ve-e-e-ery interesting… I think you are right, it is a plot by some alien species. Thanks for all the photos! Can’t wait to hear how it turns out, heh heh!
That is ve-e-e-ery interesting… I think you are right, it is a plot by some alien species. Thanks for all the photos! Can’t wait to hear how it turns out, heh heh!
I’ve never tasted jackfruit, so I won’t be able to tell you if it tastes like that or not, I’m afraid. Where are you from that you miss jackfruit?
This was the Morrocroft Harris Teeter, or as I like to call it, the “Tajma-Teeter.” It would not surprise me at all if they had a few jackfruit tucked away amidst the starfruit and other things exotic to our climate.
I’ve never tasted jackfruit, so I won’t be able to tell you if it tastes like that or not, I’m afraid. Where are you from that you miss jackfruit?
This was the Morrocroft Harris Teeter, or as I like to call it, the “Tajma-Teeter.” It would not surprise me at all if they had a few jackfruit tucked away amidst the starfruit and other things exotic to our climate.
Umm…wow. That is truly one freakish fruit. But the artist’s rendering is Hi-freakin’-larious!
Umm…wow. That is truly one freakish fruit. But the artist’s rendering is Hi-freakin’-larious!
I grew up in Malaysia. 🙂 All kinds of weird fruits there that I miss. Malaysia is one of the countries in which you can sample fresh durian, of stinks-like-a-midden-on-a-hot-day infamy! And also the rambutan, which might resemble a scarlet, balding tribble to some, or looks somewhat.. rude.. to other folks who remain in the gutter. But is veddy yummy.
I grew up in Malaysia. 🙂 All kinds of weird fruits there that I miss. Malaysia is one of the countries in which you can sample fresh durian, of stinks-like-a-midden-on-a-hot-day infamy! And also the rambutan, which might resemble a scarlet, balding tribble to some, or looks somewhat.. rude.. to other folks who remain in the gutter. But is veddy yummy.
Hey, I’ve got another young woman currently in Malaysia on my friends list,. Obviously, Malaysian people are paragons of good taste, finding my blog this way.
A friend of my husband’s went to Malaysia a while back and brought us some durian hard candy. I’m fairly sure we never ate it – I wonder if we’ve still got it…
Hey, I’ve got another young woman currently in Malaysia on my friends list,. Obviously, Malaysian people are paragons of good taste, finding my blog this way.
A friend of my husband’s went to Malaysia a while back and brought us some durian hard candy. I’m fairly sure we never ate it – I wonder if we’ve still got it…
You’d be fairly safe eating anything that says ‘tastes like’ durian. There’s nothing like the real thing for olfactory impact.
You’d be fairly safe eating anything that says ‘tastes like’ durian. There’s nothing like the real thing for olfactory impact.