Monstera’s REVENGE!
Last night, we set up facilities to dissect the monstera! I was hopeful that the refrigerator had cooled it into suspended animation.
My able assistant Mr. Tvini began the process of removing the juicy flesh from the center core. Mwahahahaaaaa!
Faster, pussycat, kill, kill!
A very small taste of the flesh revealed that it was… good! Mr. Tvini pronounced it “too sweet” for his tastes, as if we’d let it go a little too long, but my sweet tooth is legendary, and I was undaunted. However, I feared that the monstera might yet rise from the grave to take its revenge, so I decided to blend the bejeebers out of it, just in case.
And so, it went in our food processor along with half a cup of yogurt, a little soy milk, about a half cup of orange juice, and a handful of frozen blueberries. You know, to dilute the evilness. Two minutes later, the vile creature from beyond the stars had been reduced to a delicious smoothie.
I took a sip. Not bad! Kind of got a little caught in my throat, though. The second sip still tasted good, but my throat felt a little more rough. Maybe I swallowed wrong? I took a third sip. Now my throat was distinctly itchy.
Needless to say, I stopped drinking.
I poked around the internet and found this site. At the end, it says: WARNING: All parts of Monstera deliciosa are poisonous except the ripe fruits. The plant contains oxalic acid and even the ripe fruits may be an irritant to particularly sensitive people.
Apparently, I’m “particularly sensitive” because twenty minutes later, my throat was still itchy. I drank some milk, which didn’t really help. So I pulled out the big guns and made brownies from scratch. That got it. Nothing in the universe can conquer the power of chocolate.
Actually, truth to tell, I was still a little sore in the morning. Not like “I swallowed a lemon zester” sore, more like “I drank orange juice with a raw throat” sore.
So, summing up. Its liquefied remains may be in my trash can, but the menace from beyond the stars did win a Pyrrhic victory. It was, however, tasty until it began eating away at my esophageal lining. I’ll leave it to you to decide whether you want to wade into battle with the monstera.
“Mmmm! Tastes like doom!”
You know, that is without a doubt the grossest excuse for food that I’ve ever seen. And by the way, the face is … interesting …
You know, that is without a doubt the grossest excuse for food that I’ve ever seen. And by the way, the face is … interesting …
I’m stealing “Tastes like doom.” for future use.
You’re a braver person than I. Thanks to Ridley Scott I try to avoid alien phallus.
I’m stealing “Tastes like doom.” for future use.
You’re a braver person than I. Thanks to Ridley Scott I try to avoid alien phallus.
That is one bizarre fruit. The photos in the middle are really grossing me out. It’s like a cross between corn and banana!
Oxalic acid is what’s in rhubarb too. I wonder if it would be ok to eat it cooked?
That is one bizarre fruit. The photos in the middle are really grossing me out. It’s like a cross between corn and banana!
Oxalic acid is what’s in rhubarb too. I wonder if it would be ok to eat it cooked?
You’ve got us inspired to give this sucker a try. 😀 Gonna have to hunt one down. 😀
You’ve got us inspired to give this sucker a try. 😀 Gonna have to hunt one down. 😀
Wow, you are very brave! Thanks for documenting your adventure!!
Wow, you are very brave! Thanks for documenting your adventure!!
Ooooh. I bet it would make for some interesting bread.
Ooooh. I bet it would make for some interesting bread.
Wow, just wow. Thanks for taking one for the team – now we don’t have to try it. I second what someone said in response to an earlier post – who was brave enough to eat the first one?
Wow, just wow. Thanks for taking one for the team – now we don’t have to try it. I second what someone said in response to an earlier post – who was brave enough to eat the first one?
To me, this ranks up there with “First Person to Milk a Cow…and Then Drink What Comes Out” and “Second Person to Eat What Falls Out of a Chicken’s Butt (Since First Person Didn’t Cook It and Therefore Probably Died, So Second Person Has MUCH Bigger Balls For Trying it AGAIN)”
I mean…there’s a lot of (apparently dangerous) trial and error that had to go on here before someone actually ATE any part of one of these things and LIKED IT ENOUGH TO DO IT AGAIN.
My hat’s off to you for following in their pioneering footsteps.
To me, this ranks up there with “First Person to Milk a Cow…and Then Drink What Comes Out” and “Second Person to Eat What Falls Out of a Chicken’s Butt (Since First Person Didn’t Cook It and Therefore Probably Died, So Second Person Has MUCH Bigger Balls For Trying it AGAIN)”
I mean…there’s a lot of (apparently dangerous) trial and error that had to go on here before someone actually ATE any part of one of these things and LIKED IT ENOUGH TO DO IT AGAIN.
My hat’s off to you for following in their pioneering footsteps.
Wow! That was crazy from beginning to end. Thanks for your careful documentation. It will either serve as a warning or a dare! 😉
Wow! That was crazy from beginning to end. Thanks for your careful documentation. It will either serve as a warning or a dare! 😉
I am both fascinated and grossed out. You are a brave soul, indeed.
Me? I would have been reaching for the Epi-pen!
-D
I am both fascinated and grossed out. You are a brave soul, indeed.
Me? I would have been reaching for the Epi-pen!
-D