Kiss My Knits!

When we last left our crew, Palin and Torkal were about to be set upon by possessed fleshy statue versions of the rest of the party. Fortunately, just before they attacked, Torkal and Palin managed to get the bad guy to launch into the traditional villain monologue and forestall our inevitable doom.

Torkal: “We really just would like our friends back. I don’t know what kind of ridiculous crap you are up to, but trust me when I say I’m not terribly interested.”
GM Vaschon: The villain replies, “They’re mine now, go now from here and leave me be.”
Palin: “What possible use could you have for them?”
GM Vaschon: The villain replies, “They are my experiments, I am working on perfecting transferance.”
Torkal: I bet he overcharges for doing age changes, too.
Torkal: OH SNAP ANOTHER DR PUN

The villain continues that he’s working on immortality. He has an arrangement with the “caretakers” of this area to provide him with victims. Apparently the secret of transferring souls into new bodies is the gem on the forehead. “The old body is discarded and a new one is created. What made them who they were is kept and maintained in their new form. Their bodies will run out eventually, then I’ll transfer them to a new one.”

Our stalling can’t last forever, though.

GM Vaschon: The villain states, “Come, join your friends and let me finish my experiments.”
Palin: “How does that work? Does it hurt?”
GM Vaschon: The Klyx-statue and the Bentein-statue stand next to Palin. The villain responds, “Not at all.”
Palin: Palin is feeling uncomfortable.
Palin: “I’d rather hear it from them.”
GM Vaschon: The villain says, “Take them.”

And then it is ON!

Palin: Palin lifts her club!
Palin: Palin swings it at the force shield.
GM Vaschon: The statues take on an aggressive stance.
Torkal: Torkal also chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarges!
Torkal: Emphasis on the a. For power.
GM Vaschon: The wall of force shudders slightly.
Palin: HEY HEY! Awesome!
Torkal: Torkal sees what Palin did there!

Palin does 6 damage to the force wall, and we realize we can take it down. Or, as Torkal puts it, “We have to kick the wall’s ass and get rid of Mr. Dude!”

Of course, in the meantime, all of our friends are attacking us. Torkal and Palin are backstabbed, shot, grappled, burned, exploded, poisoned and generally harassed by their zombified teammates while they try to take down the wall. As Veracity puts it, “Why the hell don’t I shoot like that when it’s ME doing the shooting?” Fortunately, though, the general trend is for the party members to continue to suck, even in zombie form, and we survive.

Pity, however, poor Val the Elf. His player is not able to be with us, but his zombie uses his wand of fireballs against us. Except that it never quite ignites. On the final try:
GM Vaschon: Val-statue waves his wand.
GM Vaschon: He fails to activate it and it crumbles to dust.
Torkal: Failwand.
Veracity: LOL
Palin: Max is going to be PISSED when he read that.
GM Vaschon: The Val-statue adjusts his makeshift hair.

Palin takes another swing at the force wall.
Torkal: Please take it down!
GM Vaschon: The wall shudders and collapses.
Aleanghi: WOOHOO!
Torkal: Torkal is ALL THE F*** OVER MISTER VILLAIN.
Torkal: My sweet, sweet greataxe +2 wishes to ask you some questions. ABOUT YOUR FACE.
Palin: Please remember that it would be better to not kill him outright.
Torkal: I’m sorry Dave. My greataxe+2 cannot DO that.
Veracity: Torkal froths.
GM Vaschon: The Ale-statue casts a spell, a fire beetle rumbles into view.
Palin: Zombie rollo!

Our teammates and zombie Rollo continue to attack. Val’s statue throws a poison dart at Torkal. Torkal is to poison as I am to fire.

GM Vaschon: The villain casts a spell. Suddenly there are 5 identical villains.
Palin: Oh, for crying out loud.
GM Vaschon: The rollo-statue-zombie gnaws at Palin.
Veracity: I am hearing hectic Three Stooges type background music, anyone else?
GM Vaschon: More like Benny Hill music.
Palin: Can Palin tell which is which?
GM Vaschon: Palin can not
Palin: Then Palin will swing at the nearest villain, whom I will dub Villain 1.
Palin rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Palin: sigh.
Palin: I’m hearing that music too.

I should mention that at one point during this battle, I rolled five 1’s in a row. It was unbelievable.

GM Vaschon: Villain casts lightning bolt at Palin.
Torkal: Ahahahahaha. Um.
GM Vaschon: Roll reflex save, Palin
Torkal: AHAHAHAHA OH SHIT THIS COULD REALLY HURT.
Palin: Dear dice gods. Please do me a solid. Love, Palin.
Palin rolled 1 20-sided die: 7
Palin: That’s not a solid.
GM Vaschon: How many hp does Palin have left?
Palin: lemme add this up…
Veracity: uh oh.
Palin: I am at negative 8.
Palin: I… uh… I guess I’m a little out of practice.
Torkal: The lightning bolt will do this thing called “killing you.”
Palin: I don’t like the sound of that.
GM Vaschon: Palin is electrocuted!
GM Vaschon: It’s all up to Torkal!
Aleanghi: Poor Flambe.
Palin: I know how he felt now.

With his very next shot, Torkal kills the villain. Unfortunately, even without their evil overlord, the statues continue attacking.

Torkal: I don’t have to kill all these golems, now, do I? Oh, ffs. There’s no way, Jim!
GM Vaschon: The Ale-statue is struck down. The yellow-sapphire dislodges from its forehead and grows dark.
Palin: Hm!

So yes. Apparently he does have to attack all the statues. And he is down to 8 hit points. He is plowing through them, but it’s touch and go. Another good hit and he’s down for the count.

GM Vaschon: The Val-statue draws its final dart and throws.
Val rolled 1 20-sided die: 12
Veracity: ……
Torkal: MISS YOU F*****
Palin: MIIIISSS!!!
GM Vaschon: It misses. The Val-statue motions at its makeshift hair.
Torkal: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUARGH
Torkal: Whew. Thank god.
Veracity: Poor Val, all his toys expended in futile attacks on his own party member!

Val’s player, by the way, is on an extended walkabout through the USA. So if you’re reading this, Val, surprise, hope you’re having a good time, and sorry about using up all your stuff.

After another round, Torkal is down to only four hit points, but continues to carve through the statues.

Palin: It’s a Christmas miracle!
Torkal: Not yet. Torkal only needs to take one more hit and he’s unconscious.
Torkal: VALHALLA TORKAL IS COMING

It’s long, and it’s close a few times. Finally it’s down to Torkal and his four hit points with just one statue remaining.

Veracity: kill kill kill!
GM Vaschon: Dwarf-statue is defeated, its yellow-sapphire explodes.
Torkal: And Torkal manages to do it, against all f****** odds. That is ridiculous.

The unconscious party members do not revive as we had hoped.

Torkal: Can an unconscious individual be fed a potion?
GM Vaschon: Yes, Palin is dead though.
Torkal: That’s not unconscious.
Palin: Don’t rub it in.
GM Vaschon: Palin ——>
Torkal: Torkal shakes Palin, discovering there is some dead going on.
Torkal: His face becomes Grim Like Stone.
Torkal: He gathers up the sapphires from his fallen allies and, for the moment, leaves the chamber.
GM Vaschon: So just to confirm, you are picking up all the stones, putting them in a sack and exiting the room?
Palin: don’t mix up the freakin’ stones!

That’s all we need – Veracity in Val’s body and vice versa. Showing his priorities are firmly in place, Torkal loots the mage’s stuff first and then takes Bentein’s sapphire over to Bentein’s body.

Torkal: First order of business — are they all still unconscious?
Torkal: /drumriff?
GM Vaschon: They are
Torkal: Torkal puts the Benteinstone ON Bentein.
GM Vaschon: The yellow sapphire turns blue and begins to pulse. A few rounds pass and Bentein opens his eyes.
Palin: WHOA!
Torkal: OH FFS IT WORKS
Bentein: BRAAAAINS
Veracity: lol
GM Vaschon: Bentein awakens from what he can only describe as a strange dream.
Torkal: Torkal says in a fairly tired and disgruntled voice, “Don’t move, yet. Unless you feel like it. Got to fix other problems.”
Torkal: Torkal’s going to do the same with the other stones.

And so he does. Everybody wakes up. All hail Torkal the Mighty!

Veracity: Veracity inspects Palin’s battered and singed body in silence, then hauls out the crispy blankie and wraps her up in it. “Well, we had better get her back. She’s too heavy to carry around like this for long.”
Aleanghi: “How do we get back?
Veracity: Veracity looks at Torkal.
Torkal: Torkal heaves himself to his feet and says, “Feel like a swim?”
GM Vaschon: Yes, wrap the electrocuted corpse in the burnt blanket, there’s irony for you.
Bentein: Bentein lifts Palin’s bundle up onto his shoulders.

However, it’s midnight, it’s a long swim, and I’m heavy, so we decide to camp here for the night. The area is unlikely to be disturbed, and nobody’s really at peak performance right now.

GM Vaschon: Your party sets up camp. Next week we’ll start here. Exp for this adventure gets everyone (except Palin) to level 4.
Palin: so close!
GM Vaschon: And yet, so dead.

And that’s it for this week! Miraculously, everybody’s alive except Palin, who is a McNugget. So for the most part, things are looking rosy! Tune in next week to see how we manage to screw it all up. Because you just know we will. See you then!