Kiss My Knits!

Friends, I normally don’t rush to post these, but the events of this adventure are so shocking that they must be shared immediately. I know several of my fellow party members will explode if they can’t discuss it.

Actually, “explode” is a poor choice of words…

Veracity: So. Rested, fed, healed and smug, we approach another day of bumbling, stumbling, arguing and incredibly unbelievably good luck. I hope, on that last.
Aleanghi: Ditto that.
Palin: Sooo… now what? Maybe we should ask the mouth again where we can find Krex. I mean, it did say that if we worked our mojo with the stones we would find him. I think that mouth is a jackass liar.
Aleanghi: Well, if we consider this level of the mine explored, I suppose the next move would be to continue to the next.
Palin: You sure? I love that mouth.
GM Vaschon: That’s what she said
Palin: Nice!
Aleanghi: ….
GM Vaschon: ba dum bum

We decide to go on to the next level of the mine. We go back to the lift and take it down. Moving northward, we find a big oak door, which Val opens. It reveals a large chamber with a platform in the center. Four drawbridges are in the up position, so we cannot cross the 30 foot deep moat surrounding the platform. There is also an underwater passage within the moat itself.

We can’t get across the water, so we go back the way we came and go westward down a passage. Torkal thinks something’s not quite right. Val goes ahead to scout out… and sets off some trip wires.

GM Vaschon: Val fails his save and is struck with… 3 arrows. Val takes 14 points of damage.
Aleanghi: Maaaan.
Val: “It’s safe now.”
Torkal: Torkal examines the many arrows in Val and says, “Thank you.”

We go west and come to another door like the last one. This time Val has a feeling that something is amiss. We can’t figure out just what, though. Torkal opens the door. Inside is a huge slab. Torkal again feels that something is odd. It’s all becoming very unsettling. Torkal takes a closer look at the slab.

Torkal: “Ah. There’s what’s bothering me. Look at those lines.”
Torkal: Torkal indicates some very thin lines running down the sides of the slab.

GM Vaschon: Torkal points out lines running the length of the slab. There are two sets, one roughly 2′ from the floor, the other roughly 5′ from the floor. They are parallel to the floor.

Val: are we looking at basically a large coffin like structure? or like something from a sliding top from a domino box?
GM Vaschon: It does not appear to be a coffin, and it does not appear to ‘open’.
Palin: Hm. I was hoping for toy snakes.
Torkal: “I don’t know what to make of it.”
Val: in the interest of excitement Val walks around the slab
Aleanghi: ‘Can it sink into the floor?
Palin: ‘You must be this tall to ride this ride’ markers.
GM Vaschon: Its a large stone block (slab) placed in the center of the floor, extending 6′ from ground, leaving 4′ from ceiling. It is 7′ in width, leaving roughly 2′ on either side to pass. And it is roughly 20′ in length.
Aleanghi: ‘After all, think of the chest in the chamber where we last were.
Torkal: In short, it’s f***** HUGE.
Val: someone climb on top of it
Palin: Yeah, Val, climb on top of it.
Val: you know what? screw it
Palin: Uh-oh.
Val: Val climbs onto the slab
GM Vaschon: Val stands on the top of the slab.
Val: Val combs his hair back.
Palin: Palin waits for the earth-shattering kaboom.
Aleanghi: Isn’t he a little too tall to be able to do that?
Palin: He’s crouching artfully.
GM Vaschon: Val climbs on top of the slab and kneels on it.
Val: Val crouches and still looks amazing

Val doesn’t spontaneously combust or accidentally call a mind flayer or anything, so that’s good. Nor does he notice anything we haven’t already seen.

Val: honestly i’m still a bit confused about these lines
Bentein: “Something may run along it. Like a rail.”

We decide to let it go for the moment and move alongside the slab toward the northern passage. Much mysteriousness ensues, with questions about where exactly we are in relation to each other and the slab. Note for newbies: It is never a good sign when the DM asks you exactly where you are. It means something bad is about to happen and the DM wants to know if you’re within reach of whatever horrible creature is about to take a swing at you.

Torkal: I hope we get crushed.
Palin: bite your tongue!
Val: I hope you all bite your tongues accidentally
GM Vaschon: As Torkal, Palin, Ale and Veracity walk roughly 10′ in, a series of spinning razors extend from the slab. Palin and Torkal narrowly evade as Ale and Veracity are cut.
Val: geeez
Palin: Yikes!
Aleanghi: Eep.
Torkal: That was clearly counter-intuitive.
GM Vaschon: Ale takes 10 points of damage.
Val: went past Val’s trap sense too
Aleanghi: Great.
GM Vaschon: Veracity takes 5 points of damage. You have 10 more feet to move to escape the trap.
Palin: That would explain the lines.
Aleanghi: No kidding.
Veracity: Well, that sucks. I wonder if there are any cave sharks nearby?

Palin and Torkal climb atop the slab to avoid any further slicing. Veracity is still on the ground as Ale tries to make her way up.

GM Vaschon: Ale, roll a climb check
onlinehost: Aleanghi rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Palin: I hope you were joking about those cave sharks.
Aleanghi: ::weep::

Ale finally manages to shimmy up, just as Val finds what appears to be a control box and rolls a 1 against checking for traps.
GM Vaschon: Ale shimmies up the rope as a small *pop* is heard at the far end of the slab. The trap blades are now exposed and spinning. Val takes 1 damage for blowing up the box.
Veracity: Veracity mutters, “Oh, hooray.”
Val: It aint easy being a gangsta
GM Vaschon: Veracity fails her save and is struck. She takes 6 more damage.
Veracity: It certainly isn’t easy being in the same country as Val.
GM Vaschon: Veracity, if you stand still, you’ll continue to take damage. What are you going to do.
Val: i take it the box is now unusable?
GM Vaschon: Val, you exploded it.
Val: well at least it was appropriate
Veracity: Veracity is bleeding rather copiously. She spares time from considering her extremely bad position to give Val a look that bodes ill for his future health if she lives through this.
Torkal: It’s fine, Val. Add it to your inventory under the heading: “Shit I exploded”

Then Val makes a comment so incredibly sexist that I will not repeat it here. He has NO IDEA HOW CLOSE PALIN CAME TO ATTACKING HIS CHARACTER. If he hadn’t pulled out some healing potions and started helping the party, he would have been chum for the cave sharks. No lie.
(ETA: It’s now in the comments.)

We stabilize the wounded party members and, although Val wants to go south, most of the rest of us (okay, me) are still cheesed by his comment and overrule him and decide to continue northward, where we find a large cavern.

Given our history with caverns, we decide discretion is the better part of valor and send in Aleanghi’s bat to scout it out. It’s a large cavern containing a spiraling staircase leading to a large pedestal. There are two bugbears at the top.

The element of surprise is with us, so we ready our projectile weapons and rush in! Immediately one of the bugbears casts fireball at us. Oooof course.

GM Vaschon: The fireball is aimed at Veracity.
Torkal: Bards on fire!
Veracity: shit shit shit
Val: oh crap we didn’t heal her
GM Vaschon: Veracity, roll a reflex save
Val: did we?

No, we didn’t. She’s not doing so hot. The guy playing our cleric, Bentein, had to run, but we have someone else controlling him, so hopefully when the next turn rolls around we can take care of poor Veracity. The fireball also hits Aleanghi and Bentein. Big time. Bigger than big time.

Val: Ale is DEAD? or unconcious?
GM Vaschon: Ale, Bentein and Veracity are incinerated.
Aleanghi: So yes, dead dead.
Torkal: Haha. Wow.
Torkal: Wow. Just wow.
Palin: Oh dear.
Val: Val does not say anything more about the south passage.
Val: Val…whips out his wand.
GM Vaschon: Your party ascends another 30′, if Palin is hoofin it, she’s at 50′
Val: Wait incinerated?
Val: so they’re just…gone
Val: nothing to carry?
Veracity: Dust on the wind. Ashes to ashes.
Val: maybe running would be a good idea
Palin: Um… is that a raisable thing?
Val: if they follow at least we can ambush
GM Vaschon: There are just char marks where half your party used to be.

We discuss for a while what to do while we absorb the shock (and fireball damage) and finally it comes down to Palin’s action, fight or flee. Palin chooses flee.

GM Vaschon: A bugbear casts fireball at your party.
Palin: Of course.
GM Vaschon: of course!

We all fail our saves. Val is incinerated.
Val: …oh
Palin: Well, I’m glad now I didn’t bother killing you earlier. It would have been redundant.
GM Vaschon: Torkal takes 25 damage. Whats that put him at?
Torkal: 11.
GM Vaschon: Palin takes 32 damage
Palin: piece o’ cake.
Aleanghi: Dang. Chickie’s a tank
Palin: I’ve been burned many times. It’s like water off a duck’s back now.
Aleanghi: ROFL!

GM Vaschon: Palin and Torkal are near the entrance, are you making a dash for it?

We do. Palin successfully hightails it out.

Val: Klyx, and Palin..somehow we all knew the pairing was meant to be
Val: Go forth, Palin and Klyx, procreate…and one day lead your progeny against the two evil bugbears.

But no! It is Torkal who escapes, along with Flambe the bat.

Aleanghi: Poor Flambe. that’s gotta be one freakedout bat. Following Palin and Torkal.

GM Vaschon: Palin and Torkal exit the cavern. They realize their wounds are gone.
Torkal: …
Torkal: !?
Torkal: WHAT THE SHIT
Val: NOT ALL IS AS IT SEEMS!
Veracity: Magic!
Palin: Dastardly, foul magic! Palin shakes her mirculously unburnt fist!
Torkal: Torkal doesn’t appear too impressed by the experience. He reiterates, “What the shit?”
Palin: I’m backspacing through my writeup notes.

Palin: “Are they dead or not?” Palin can’t help it, she has to peek back into the cavern to see.
GM Vaschon: Palin peers back into the cavern and sees scorch marks along the stone stairwell
Palin: That answers that. Palin catches up with Torkal.
GM Vaschon: Palin sees the outline of a half-elf, a human, an elf and a kobold lined in charr.
Aleanghi: Flambe flutters nearby.
Veracity: The two dwarves go off to find some beer.
Palin: ha!
Aleanghi: (Two Dwarves and a bat enter a bar…)

Palin: “Something is definitely not right.
Torkal: “If our wounds healed when we ran from them, through no agency of our own, then something is afoot. No corpses. Fireballs usually leave something behind.”
Torkal: “…but I don’t know what.”
Palin: “Well, if you want to go back in and be incinerated to see…”
Aleanghi: The bat flutters around as if totally freaked out by this suggestion.
Torkal: “No. Not especially. But I’m beginning to think they’re still around here, somewhere.”
Palin: Palin wants to try to get the bat to go back in and look.
Aleanghi: The bat gives Palin that WTF look again.
Torkal: “Let’s not. Let’s definitely not.”
Palin: “Let’s go back up that passage to the slab.”
Aleanghi: well, as much as Palin could distinguish a bat’s expressions.
Palin: Flambe is a very expressive bat.
Torkal: “Let’s only CHECK the south. Not engage anything we see.”
GM Vaschon: The bat gives Palin a look.

And now I have absolutely no idea what to do. We go back to the south, where there is a cavern that is a mirror image of the one to the north.

GM Vaschon: Torkal peers in and sees a mirror image of the previous room. There appear to be 2 figures atop the structure.
Torkal: Yeah. That’s not happening. Back to the slab.
Palin: Ooh. Are there char marks on the wall?
GM Vaschon: Palin peers in the room and notices scorch marks on the wall.
Palin: Palin thinks but does not say AHA!

Clearly something’s freaky. The charred remains of our compatriots seem to be in both caverns (although now that I read that again, he didn’t say that they were exactly the same outlines, did he?) We walk back toward the lift and I spot the outline of a door on the north wall.

Torkal: “Didn’t see that on the way in.”
Palin: “Neither did I.”
Veracity: dun dun DUN

GM Vaschon: Torkal slides the door open revealing a small alcove. There is a lever attached to the floor.

We pull the lever, which turns out to lower one of the drawbridges we had previously encountered. Well, that’s something. Back in the drawbridge room, we walk across to the platform in the middle. There are three wheels. We turn one, and another bridge lowers while the bridge we just came across raises. So away we go, over the western bridge! Into an ambush!

GM Vaschon: Torkal notices the ambush and is unsurprised. Palin is surprised and suffers a -4 penalty to defense the first round.
Torkal: …
GM Vaschon: 3 bugbears leap from hiding and attack.
Palin: swell.
Torkal: Right.
Veracity: oooh, drama.
Palin: hee!

No worries, though. These bugbears are like the idiot inbred cousins of the other bugbears. They don’t really hit us that hard, mainly because they keep failing their rolls. We kill all three. The bat is going nuts flapping around Palin in a Lassie “Timmy’s fallen in the well” kind of way. I have no idea what it’s trying to say. We press on toward the west.

GM Vaschon: You travel another 20′ and round the corner to the NW. The passage turns N in 20′ and ends at an extremely large metal bar gate. Through the gate you see a two level area. There appear to be cells lining the lower and upper areas with figures in motion.

We can’t make out who’s in the cells, nor who’s outside. The bat, smarter than we are, flies the hell out of there back down the hallway.

It’s 1am, there’s no way the two of us can take all those people on, and we can’t get the grate up, so… that’s it for the night! We go back down the hall and wait for next week. Four people dead or maybe just missing and the two clueless Dwarves wandering the dungeon with a possessed bat. Awesome.

As God is my witness, I have no idea what’s going to happen next week. But if the two remaining party members die next week, I hope you’ll all continue to tune in for the adventures of Flambe the Bat in the Dungeon of Doom!

Until next time, gentle adventurers!