Kiss My Knits!

I had connection issues until about 45 minutes into the session, so when I arrived, i saw this:

DM: Goblin is ignited for 2 points of fire damage.
Val: look who decided to show up. Ms. Snuggie
Me: Ah, just in time for fire.

Palin arrives at the encampment and notices 5 goblins. Oddly, it’s really hard to find a good goblin picture on Google, so here’s the Green Goblin from Spiderman. I trust you all to use your imagination.

Taking stock, I notice that there is a large flaming sphere engulfing a goblin. Wait, there’s a what? Why? Why, mage? Why, when you leveled, would you choose a spell that creates a GIANT BALL OF FIRE? You know how flammable I am. Still, it is pretty cool to see a goblin trapped in the flames like a hamster in a ball. Until it walks out of the flames and leaves just a giant burning ball.

Palin: Please, please, please don’t let anyone get knocked into the giant ball of fire.
Val: i’ve been trying to think about what would happen if i tossed a flask of oil INTO the ball

Which goes to show that it’s not the enemy without that you should worry about, it’s the enemy within. Still, the battle’s not going too badly, until Val the rogue decides to be uncharacteristically chivalrous.

Val: Val steps between Veracity and Goblin 4 and delivers his vengeance.
(Val fails his attack roll badly)
DM: Val trips over the campfire and lunges at the goblin. Completely inept, he thrusts his sword in Veracity’s side doing 6 points of damage.
Veracity: Veracity shrieks! Loudly, profanely, obscenely and inventively! At Val! While staggering and BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE!
Palin: oh, this is going in the writeup.

On the next round, Goblin 1 is burnt to a cinder and falls to the ground. A nearby tree is set on fire.

At this point, Veracity snaps. She’s still harboring a grudge from Val’s sexist behavior in the inn, and from various other slights, and in an unexpected and yet completely understandable turn:

Veracity takes aim at Val and tries to shoot him in the back at point blank range.
(Veracity succeeds in her roll.)
DM: Just to clarify, you’re shooting Val
Veracity: Veracity is, indeed, shooting Val. My, my, I think that is a hit, isn’t it?
Val: heh
(Veracity rolls maximum damage)
Val: lol
Veracity: ::falls over laughing::
DM: Val takes 6 points of damage with a bolt.
Veracity: Why can’t I roll like that against the monsters!

Veracity:Veracity is not suffering silently – she is making sure everyone in the immediate vicinity knows that she is bleeding and injured and seriously put-upon and that most of it is Val’s fault, but she also aims at Goblin 4 and tries to shoot him.
DM: Veracity’s screaming has drawn attention to the battle.
Aleanghi: Great.
Palin: awesome.
Val: way to be a crybaby Veracity.
Veracity: Cursing, please. Cursing. Okay, cursing loudly.

Val: I’d like to remind everyone that this all happened because Val tried to HELP veracity. Lesson: Never help veracity
Bentein: Yeah?
Palin: That’s one possible lesson…
Val: or don’t let val help you
Palin: There you go.
Veracity: You stabbed her in the side with your short sword of doom!
Aleanghi: Dude, with the way our party’s luck is, we should know never ever ever to try to help anyone except Palin, and that only by throwing the crispy blankie on her.

At this point, Bentein, who has just arrived to the session, asks the question I want to know too: where are we?
DM: On the way to the mines. Roughly mid-way and your party discoved a goblin scouting party off the main road.
Palin: Good Lord, we’re on the way to the adventure and we’ve already managed to stab one another?
Aleanghi: Yep. We’re just.That.Good.

With all the original goblins dispatched, everybody hides from the party that we hear approaching. Everyone except crazy Dwarf Torkal, that is, who stands in the clearing brandishing his axe. Sigh. Meanwhile, the tree that was set on fire earlier has sparked another tree.

Palin: Palin is hissing at Torkal to hide behind a damn bush!
Torkal: Torkal hides. Or tries.
Torkal rolls a 2 on his hide attempt.
DM: Torkal realizes he’s hiding behind the burning tree.

Torkal gives it up and comes out of hiding. So does Bentein. Five goblins come along. Three are in leather, one is in plate mail, and one is in robes. Robes are BAD. Robes equal magic and magic equals burning. Bentein comes up with a plan. He’s going to scream like a little girl and run past our hiding place in hopes of luring the goblins into a trap. Miraculously, it works! Three of the goblins stay on Torkal, but two of them do chase Bentein.

The battle begins! Midway through, a third tree catches on fire.

Veracity: We must be sending up a smoke signal that can be seen for twenty miles in all directions though. No one can ever accuse THIS group of being too damn subtle.
Val: well i have no idea how we’d put it out
Aleanghi: Nor I. I unfortunately did not choose the Firehose of Fortuitous Quenching spell.
Palin: You know, that’d be a really handy spell for this group to have.
Aleanghi: No kidding.
Veracity: grin
Val:well, Val has a mysterious wand
Palin: DO NOT WAVE IT.

Just as it looks like we’re getting the upper hand, the robed goblin emerges from hiding and slaps his hand against Torkal, casting feeblemind on him. On the next round, it paralyzes Torkal. Torkal is sucking up all the bad luck for this battle. I would like to point out for the record that I finally killed that goblin. Thanks for taking that luck hit, Torkal!

12:30am rolls around and we’re still fighting. There is also some discussion of whether Ray of Frost will put out a burning tree.

DM: We’re up to four trees, by the way.
Palin: of course we are.
Veracity: We’re so good.
Palin: Because if we ourselves are not set on fire, then we must burn the entire forest down.

The goblin leader is nearly dead, so I decide that maybe he’d be amenable to giving himself up. He hasn’t been previously when we’ve tried to persuade him, but maybe being so badly hurt has changed the equation.

Palin fails her intimidate roll.
DM: Palin enrages the goblin leader who turns to her to attack.
onlinehost GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die: 1
Torkal: HAHAHA
Val: 🙂
onlinehost GM Vaschon rolled 1 20-sided die: 18
(For those non-D&Ders out there, a 1 means the goblin fumbled what he was trying to do. The 18… well, it just gets worse and worse for the goblin. )
DM: The goblin leader, thoroughly enraged lunges toward Palin. As he hefts his axe, he falls backward hitting his head on a rock. The Goblin leader dies from a concussion.
(We all spend the next five minutes laughing in disbelief.)
Val: We should have her talk to the enemy more often.

By the light of the now burning forest, we loot the corpses. Torkal gets some plate armor +1, Palin (me) gets an axe +2, and Val gets a ring of protection +1, which is nice because the last ring he found was cursed.

The rest of us get axes and start cutting trees as a firebreak to stop the forest from burning. Val, meanwhile, gets into an argument with Bentein, who refuses to try to uncurse a cursed ring Val took from the innkeeper a couple of sessions ago and foolishly put on. Tired of being everybody’s butt-monkey, Val takes his mysterious wand and begins to shake it. Remember what happened when Torkal shook that owlbear idol last week?

Poll time!

I’ll give you a clue. He killed himself and set another tree on fire.

While our cleric, Bentein, wraps Val’s charred corpse in a bedroll, the rest of us cut down trees. The danger of forest burnination past, I discover that the sap from the trees has formed a protective coating on my axe blade. Al Gore is right; it’s good to protect the forests!

When we were all done it was 1:30 in the morning, way past time for bed. Next time, hopefully, we’ll peel Val’s crispy corpse out of Bentein’s bedroll and raise it. Tune in to see if we’re waylaid again along the way!