Kiss My Knits!

In the absence of the other Dwarf, the party and GM unanimously vote to ban the Elf from leading the party. It’s Palin’s turn to shine! Not for long, though, since the other Dwarf showed up. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Last week, we apparently revealed a sinister spiraling staircase leading down. We decided to send Val, our Elven rogue down. He had the best perception and we also wanted him watching for traps. Plus he’s kind of our fall guy, and it’s always funny to see him skewered. Sorry, rogue.

While he was scouting down the stairs, with us all peering downward after him, a patrol of four kobolds came up behind us. Oops.

We attack the kobolds. It’s basically a first grade slapfight between us and them. Once every round a kobold becomes enraged and starts flailing away at Veracity the bard. I theorize that the kobolds are not a patrol but rather a barbershop quartet. They’re just trying to eliminate their bardic competition.

Our wizard finally manages to to kill a kobold by – you guessed it – setting it on fire. A few more rounds of us sucking, and finally there was one kobold left which had tumbled down the stairs. Once it was bloodied by the fall and lying on its back, our other Dwarf finally killed it good and dead.

We healed our bard, who had been mercilessly beaten by the kobolds. I like to imagine that they thrashed her with straw boaters and snazzy canes. As she is healed, she begins theatrically moaning. What a ham.

Down the stairs was a small circular room which I theorize must have been the kobolds’ rehearsal space. I’ll bet it had great acoustics. The room contains an altar and a stone, which is very exciting, since we’re supposed to be finding five magical stones. Also, there is a keyhole and more runes and levers. We didn’t have such great luck with the last levers we encountered but at least there’s no screaming mouth this time.

While half the group is downstairs scoping out the room, Palin, my Dwarf, sets up at the top of the steps just inside the stairwell where she can spot more patrols without being seen.

Veracity says to Palin conversationally, “You think you’re safe there, if by chance they set off a huge gout of flame that comes roaring up the stairs?”

God point.

I went down the stairs to tell everybody that I had to cut out early. I had fallen asleep a couple of times at the keyboard, and I certainly didn’t want to be set on fire unless I was there to properly enjoy it. I tell them that they’re free to continue playing my character – another set of hands never hurts.

From this point, I must rely upon the transcript.

The party figures out how to manipulate the levers and key to free a magical stone, which is an item that we think we need. Unfortunately, the stone is cursed and nobody can pick it up. A slapstick routine follows in which everybody attempts to pick up the stone and it keeps falling. AnonymousJones, this would be a great place for that Benny Hill music you were talking about. The rogue picks it up and drops it about five times. Then someone thinks “maybe we can pick up the heavy rock with the key.” The laws of physics being what they are, it doesn’t work. Finally, our cleric picks it up to try to tie a rope around it. I repeat that – he picks it up while he tries to tie the rope around it. The he realizes, that hey, he picked it up. Looks as if the rock likes the cleric, since it’s not jumping out of his hands! The cleric now has a pet rock. I don’t think it has a name yet.

The party does all they feel they can do in the kobold music room, although I think they should have checked under the altar for a keyboard. Then they troop back upstairs and explore a bit more. Normally we cut out at midnight, but at 11:50 the party comes to a big cavern.

GM: Do you want to look in?
Wizard: That depends.  Will looking in lead to two hours of combat or puzzles? 😀

The answer, apparently, is yes! They look in and see a few bad guys, including a necromancer. You may recall that in a previous adventure a necromancer bespelled me, so chances are at least one of us is going to get the smack laid down on us. The party decides to rush in where angels fear to tread. This time, though, they have a plan! They’re charging in and sending a couple of people after the necromancer while the rest attempt to create a big noisy distraction so the necromancer doesn’t notice and fry everybody on sight. I make this sound orderly, but there was a lot of “we’re not to leave the room unless you come back” Monty Python style discussion.

(I would like to pause for a moment and thank our very patient DM, who I’m sure didn’t realize he was going to be running an adventure for the Keystone Kops. Thanks, Vaschon.)

Everybody rushes in, at which point they realize that there aren’t just kobolds, there are also skeleton archers upstairs on each side of the room. Also, there are zombies. Great.

The evil kobold enchanter leaps into action. Target: me.

GM: Palin is set on fire for 7 points with a burning hands.
GM: ((poor Heather))
Wizard: ((Vaschon, to Heather, in email later:  Oh, and Palin died last night and was reanimated.  She’s a zombie somewhere…))
Bard: Oh man.  I don’t want to have to break it to her

WHAT. THE. HELL. Can we go ONE adventure where I don’t get set on fire or tied to somebody or otherwise become the whipping Dwarf of the adventure? ARGH!

The bard goes ape during this battle, having been driven a little mad by constant drubbings from kobold musicians and necromancer music critics. She gets a bit of revenge by lopping the arm off of a skeleton archer. It’s tough to fire a bow with only one arm.

Various other party members are diseased and magically scared. The only saving grace is that the bad guys appear to suck as badly as we do. Their acid arrows miss, they accidentally shoot their own guys. It’s like looking in a mirror. Finally – FINALLY – after a half an hour, my Dwarf Palin gets in a massive crit and eviscerates the necromancer. Set me on fire, will you? Take that!

Everyone else is finally dispatched. The only foe remaining is the one-armed skeleton archer. It’s surprisingly hard to kill considering it is both one-armed and unarmed. It starts punching us. Echoing Monty Python again, it’s a very “Look, your arm’s off!” “No it isn’t” moment. We’re like blindfolded kids swinging at a pinata. Finally, we cave in its chest. There is no candy inside.

We look around and discover a valve. Hurrah! There’s a flooded chamber nearby, so hopefully this controls it. Also, we find a chest full of treasure. Our rogue Val, after some theatrics, disarms the trap, opens the chest, and looks inside.

Val: did we get a marnet?

It’s only funny if you’ve played DragonRealms, but if you have, it’s hilarious. Trust me.

Everybody gets some treasure and a magical item. I won’t get mine until next week. Nobody better take my mystery item. I’ll set myself on fire and hug them until they drop it.

That’s it for now. Tune in again next week for more tales of burning and humiliation!